Healing  Oneself
My Heart BeiYin's Health Testimonial  21.3.07,28.4.07,18.1.11,15.2.13
This 'Heart page' I want to use like a kind of diary, writing down the result of my search and making comments about it and then maybe reporting what I'm doing to heal myself. 
In no way I am giving advice or suggest to do something to heal someone else's disease, but of course if somebody follows my thoughts and what I am doing and then comes to the conclusion that this might help one's condition and then doing it, this is every one's own decision. What I am writing here is not meant to convince anybody of something and for sure I'm not selling anything.
Sometimes I will go off the topic with my thoughts and also with the quoted information. All these words are like bits and pieces and the reader will need to put it together in one's own way. Misinterpretation can't be avoided, but isn't learning to do the right by going from one mistake to the other? OK, I can see that dealing with health issues has its risk, especially when it has to  do with the heart. I take the risk and only I am responsible for myself. After a life long personal experience with the established health system, I can't trust this much and even less if I look at the health situation in general of people on this planet. The fault for this easily can be put on whatever reason, but if medical doctors would have an overview they would also feel responsible and do something about it, not just treating the symptoms of their patients with pills and drugs.
I have hardly any medical knowledge, but enough to see that 'healing' must include the whole being of a person and NOT just a part of the body; because of this I am not interested in a treatment which just eliminates the symptoms and consequently I can't trust this kind of medical system. For sure it is no fun for me to invest so much time and energy in my own investigation and to take the risk to make  mistakes, which could have a fatal result. This is serious: I prefer to die taking responsibility for myself, than to stay in dependency of someone or something I can't trust. 

All my life I had fairly good health and never any heart problems. I never smoked or too µk drugs and since I was eighteen I tried to be conscious about my diet. But a few years ago, when I had worked physically for several years pretty hard and then had an overload of emotionally difficulties, there were showing up some symptoms of heart trouble which seems to signal an organic heart defect. The check up in a hospital told that there was no organic failure and the doctor said that the pain and the other symptoms might be caused by stress. He didn't say anything else and I could go home, feeling released knowing that there was no physical heart failure, but without idea what to do with my heart trouble. I didn't do anything about it except relax and my heart problems disappeared in a few days, probably because I was practicing my 'Stress Release Exercise' daily, 
Now, several years later, very similar symptoms were showing up, only this time more serious. (Heart palpation, tiredness, fast heart beat even after little strain, dizziness, not a regularly heart beat and pain.) I didn't go to a doctor, because I am convinced that I have no organic damage (yet) and that the cause is also, like years before, coming from too much stress. I'm sure of this, because the weeks before I had strong stomach pain and the symptoms of gastritis. I cured this just by relaxing and doing my 'Stress Release Exercise'. But as the cause was not cured and the daily conditions haven't changed, so the reactions (might it be called 'feedback' from my system?) went onto another level: The heart!

My investigation
I searched the Internet about heart diseases and possible reasons and ways to heal. I picked up some information at Wikipedia which seem to be important:
Heart disease is a leading cause of debilitation and death worldwide in men and women over age sixty-five. In many countries heart disease is viewed as a "second epidemic," replacing infectious diseases as the leading cause of death. 
It is the leading cause of death worldwide for both men and women. The most common kind of CAD is atherosclerosis, which results in narrowing and hardening of the arteries. Coronary atherosclerosis is at epidemic proportions worldwide.
Traditionally, CAD was seen as a disease of aging and was observed primarily in the elderly. However, atherosclerosis is now occurring more often in younger populations. One out of every three individuals worldwide, dies from heart disease each year.
"The leading cause of death worldwide is atherosclerosis, which results in narrowing and hardening of the arteries."  Probably due to the bad and wrong nutrition, which over the years results in 'narrowing and hardening of the arteries'. "Atherosclerosis is now occurring more often in younger populations". As more and more young people are eating junk food, this is not surprising. I am eating pretty healthy, although lately I got addicted to chocolate, getting some tension release out of it. But then getting into eating too much, what I noticed around my belly as a fat cushion... What then was interfering the healing of my hernia, producing more stress... As soon I became aware of this 'vicious cycle' I had fallen, I stopped the chocolate. Now I can understand people who are addicted to sweets and I guess with smoking it is similar. They do it as a stress release and so becoming addicted because they are not willing and capable to look at the cause, which lays in the first place within themselves. They are mostly unconscious about it and they are not capable to respond to daily life situations in a relaxed, not judging way. They suppress their reactions and so accumulate stress. They just can't look at themselves, not wanting to change their established self image and their concepts. So with this they also can't change their attitudes and habits, included their way how to relate and respond to whatever shows up, so they can't avoid to get into stress. Instead poisoning and weakening their body and immune system. A vicious circle, which guides to destruction and desperation. 
It seems that this society is doing everything to keep these 'vicious cycles' in tact by supporting the tendency to suppress and instead of confronting the problem, trying to escape from it by using substitutes, staying in dependency of authorities, but only asking them for help, when conditions are becoming too severe, what usually means to expect a manipulation which takes the symptoms away. 
When health authorities are talking about prevention, they might have a good intention as individuals, but probably they fail because the established system is so rigid and the same the mass of people in it, that there is hardly any way to get out of it to do something real about the cause. Prevention is not possible because the base of all production of every thing people need or belief they need, is money orientated and there are hardly any moral or ethic present, how these things are produced and sold. 
An example: The soft drink 'Red Bull' is sold all over the world, millions of cans are consumed. Only four or five countries have restricted or forbidden the selling of this drink because it is known, that 'Red Bull' can be deadly, especially when it is taken together with alcohol. Read about it at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Bull It is unbelievable that something like this is possible in a 'civilized world'. Maybe thousands of people are killed by consuming something which is announced in a most clever way by pushing the button of an essential need: the wish to be able to fly! The same happens with nearly all we are consuming. Prevention of health risks is limited to the obligation for the producer to declare what kind of chemicals they put into food and drinks. 
Are people free to decide if they want to buy it or not? How can they be free if they are under constant hypnotic influence of announcements? People are responsible for themselves? Do people have the basic knowledge of all the chemicals in their daily food and how poisoning these are? Is it people's own fault if they get trapped with manipulations from sophisticated salesmen without scruple? Nobody expect from children that they are aware of the danger of medication, chemicals, etc. and it is written: "Keep away from children!" But is there really a difference to so called 'grown ups'? Are they not as innocent, naive and unconscious as children in their way they consume and follow suggestions of clever money maker? 

Chronic stress is a risk factor for heart disease, and acute stress can trigger heart attacks. Regular yoga or other exercise may help prevent both conditions by releasing stress and strengthening the heart muscle.
This expression is not very clear. Wouldn't it be necessary to say: "Heart symptoms in many cases are caused by stress. These symptoms caused by psychic conditions later turn into heart failure and organic conditions, when the reason the heart trouble was caused is not treated and healed". 
If stress is the cause in the first place, why doctors don't talk with the patient how to change this condition? Just by stating: "This comes from stress"  is obviously not enough. OK, it was said: "Yoga and other exercises may help..."  What other exercises? Isn't the fact, that 17 million people are killed a year, not enough to do something drastically about it? I mean talking more about the real reason with the patient and giving exhausted advice how to prevent that stress continues and takes over? 
For sure not only stress is causing heart trouble symptoms. It is pretty obvious that there are more factors: All the poison we take in with whatever we eat, drink, breath or touch. This is accumulated in the body system and is weakening the whole system and when there is stress, then this becomes a 'deadly cocktail'...
Heart disease and stroke kill some 17 million people a year, which is almost one-third of all deaths globally. By 2020, heart disease and stroke will become the leading cause of both death and disability worldwide, with the number of fatalities projected to increase to over 20 million a year and by 2030 to over 24 million a year.
The writer of the above quote is convinced that heart disease and stroke will become the leading cause of death and disability worldwide and that millions and more millions of people will be killed every year. This statement is cold and cynical, especially if there is not given any suggestion to do something about it. (Or comes this information from a machine, a robot? - As it doesn't sound human at all to me... Probably it comes from one of these scientific zombies!)
"The old stereotype of cardiovascular diseases affecting only stressed, overweight middle-aged men in developed countries no longer applies," said Dr Robert Beaglehole, WHO Director of Chronic Diseases and Health Promotion. "Today, men, women and children are at risk and 80% of the burden is in low- and middle-income countries. Heart disease and stroke not only take lives, but also cause an enormous economic burden. Investigations should be a significant new resource for global advocacy and education activity."
Yes, investigation and prevention should be done, but where is it? Oh yes: "Heart disease and stroke not only take lives, but also cause an enormous economic burden." Will it be first necessary that the 'enormous burden' is not only carried by the mass of people but becomes a significant disturbance to the economic balance of companies and only then something will be done about it? 
I can't wait and as I don't depend on authorities, so I do my own investigation. Of course I'm highly interested because I'm effected and don't want to become disable or die because of my heart problems. Are doctors, scientific, politicians, top managers and salesmen not affected by heart diseases? Maybe they have no heart (or for what it stands for)? If the blood pump 'heart' they have, is destroyed, because they suppress their emotions or any human feelings, getting into a very subtle but specific destructive stress, then they just get a new healthy blood pump. The organ transplantation are now becoming a routine, nearly without risk and they easily can afford it... Oh boy!
Dr Judith Mackay, co-author of the atlas with CDC's Dr George Mensah, said: No matter what advances there are in high-technology medicine, the fundamental message is that any major reduction in deaths and disability from heart disease and stroke will come primarily from prevention, not just cure. This must involve robust reduction of risk factors, through encouraging our children to adopt healthy lifestyle habits and by introducing appropriate policies and intervention programs.
The evolution of the established health system can't be stopped or avoided, high technology medicine will be used more and more... 
Yesterday a visitor told me that she just came from a place where she had an amazing experience: She was connected to a machine which not only made a complete diagnosis of her whole physical system, but also including her traumas and psychological condition. The same marvelous machine also treated her... This lady who was so convinced that this is a wonderful development of modern medicine, was not very content when I pointed out that with this the dependency and established attitude not to take responsibility for oneself will be even stronger. When machines take over diagnosis and treatment and there are just needed a robot who receives the payment, then nobody will be responsible. Isn't this great? Hurrah!!
But not only high-tech will do diagnosis and treatments but also will take over 'prevention'. A few days ago I received an email with the announcement of seminars a Doctor Hardt is giving in California. Connecting people to a 'bio feedback machine' and so they can learn to release stress and come to levels of total relaxation and bliss. This doctor is working since thirty years on this and so it is understandable that he must charge for a one week long seminar 15.000$ or for a try of two days only 5.000$. 
One can buy a software program at eBay for less than 10$ and with this one can make one's own feedback machine, the tendency to depend on machines seems to be attractive... But do we need any kind of machines to learn to relax? The human system has its own inbuilt ways to receive and produce feedback. But as the human tendency to search goes in the first place to the outside, so connecting and looking at oneself lays not in the reach of modern, high technology people...
Well said Dr. Judith Mackay! "Any major reduction in deaths and disability from heart disease and stroke will come primarily from prevention". So Judith, tell me what is your suggestion for prevention? "This must involve robust reduction of risk factors, through encouraging our children to adopt healthy lifestyle habits and by introducing appropriate policies and intervention programs". Judith, are you serious about this? You want to encourage children to adopt healthy lifestyle habits? This let me be dumfound! You are joking or you are extremely  naive or you might be a politician, wanting to impress people with important sounding words, promising something you never have the intention to complete. 
While heart disease and stroke are eminently preventable, decision makers and government funding agencies are, overall, neglecting this public health issue, said Janet Voûte, CEO, WHF, an NGO dedicated to the global prevention of heart disease and stroke.

DURHAM, N.C. -- Duke University Medical Center researchers have found that congestive heart failure patients with major depression appear twice as likely than those who are not depressed to die or be re-admitted to the hospital within 12 months.

Since up to half of patients with clinically significant heart failure die within five years of diagnosis -- a rate that has not improved significantly over the years despite improvements in treatments -- the Duke researchers recommend that all congestive heart failure (CHF) patients be tested for the presence of major depression. 

"Heart disease and stroke are eminently preventable". If this is so, then why are doctors not educated to be able to talk about it with their patients when the first symptoms are showing up? Why 17 millions of patients must die? They are told that their problems are caused by stress then given tranquilizers and that's all? Doesn't 'to prevent' means that the disease doesn't show up in the first place? Right? Or it could mean that people with heart trouble, which are caused by stress, are treated or advised that the stress doesn't continue and so prevent that the trouble turns into an organic heart failure and then results in death? Wouldn't this mean to prevent 'bypass', heart transplantation and early death? Is there real 'prevention' with patients in the established health system? Who tells that the stress can be avoided by the right lifestyle? What is the right 'lifestyle'? For sure not what the mass of 'normal people' is living! The word 'stress' is used very often since a few decades, but what is 'stress' really? Isn't it just a symptom and not the cause? Again: Just a word for an under laying, mostly unknown or not quested reason. Put a label on something and with this every body is satisfied! Oh gosh!! Where is the real root cause? Releasing stress by exercises might not be enough. So what can be done about it and what is done? 
What can I do to prevent and heal my heart troubles? What could mean to prevent the stress causing it. Until now I couldn't find any information about it and so I will need to go on in my search. Or is there somebody who can give me a hint? This would be very appreciated! It might save my life! At least for the moment ;-). But as there wasn't any comment from a health professional in ten years of the existence of my health Web site, so I have little expectations...
My investigation continues: 

"What is stress really?" This seems to me the most essential subject to clear up. I looked in Wikipedia and found a lot of information about it, although not yet something which shows the connection between stress and disease. Like:  .
Mental responses to stress include adaptive (good) stress, anxiety, and depression. Where stress enhances function (physical or mental) it may be considered good stress. However, if stress persists and is of excessive degree, it eventually leads to a need for resolution, which may lead either to anxious (escape) or depressive (withdrawal) behavior.    .
One may further appreciate from that definition that stress may derive from imagined experiences such as frightening movies. Further, the fulcrum of stress response is the presence of disparity between experience (real or imagined) and personal expectations. A person living in a fashion consistent with personally-accepted expectations has no stress even if the conditions might be interpreted as adverse from some outside perspective -  rural people may live in comparative poverty, and yet be unstressed if there is a sufficiency according to their expectations. Finally, when there is chronic disparity between experience and expectations, stress may be relieved by acceptance. However, since acceptance is rarely complete except in children, stress resolution by this approach is also rarely complete. It has been said that stress is often a reaction to a crisis of predictability, that the mind is solely an instrument of prediction, and that the body may be divided into a vegetative process and an integrative process.
I see that this can bring some light into the stress problem, but I will need to translate this high pitched intellectual expression into my own, more practical, simple language. To do so I will need to dive deeper into the meaning, but at the moment I need something  more concrete to release the symptoms of my heart trouble. So then I leave this for later...

About "Stress management" I found:   .
Stress management encompasses techniques intended to equip a person with effective coping mechanisms for dealing with psychological stress.

A cluttered environment with too many tasks can lead to stress: 

My desk looks very similar and indeed: looking for something I need urgently and then using endless time to find it, gives me stress... "Too many tasks", yes indeed that's it! But I'm in the situation of a father with many children to feed, can I choose which one to let starve? NO! But then of course I get into stress. 
It is now an accepted fact in the medical community; according to recent research, that stress is one of the major causes of all illnesses. Stress can cause migraines, stroke, eczema, a weak immune system, and many other diseases. Hence, there is a growing need for stress management.
For sure I don't want to escape from this dilemma. I want to complete my task and not dying from a heart disease, so I trust that a creative solution will show up. I know that meditation will be of help and also will help to find what I need...
Definition of stress: Stress management defines stress precisely as a person's physiological response to an internal or external stimulus that triggers the "fight-or-flight" reaction.
This quote seems to be of essential importance and can be a key, although by itself it doesn't say much. So I will need to go more and deeper into it. Later...
Techniques of stress help:
    * self-understanding (e.g.self-identification as a Type A or Type B personality) No link available!
    * cognitive therapy  and Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
    * self-management (e.g. becoming better-organized)  No link available!
    * conflict resolution
This link is about 'dispute resolution' and goes off the topic.
    * positive attitude 
No link available! This for sure is an essential part of one's healing and also important to stay healthy. Isn't the root of stress that one reacts out of one's established self image and the concepts one has adapted? So one wants that this world view is confirmed and all things happen in the  way one wants it and all    people behave the same as one wants it? And as this doesn't work and reality is    different, so this creates disappointment and the need to fight or to withdraw    oneself and so stress is produced. With accumulated tension in the follow up causing health problems... So how could one adapt a 'positive attitude'? For sure not with smile on one's face even when one is sad, angry or feeling desperate. This subject needs more reflection... Later more...
    * autogenic training
I found this Web site which gives free advice how to do it. 
It is very similar to EFT what I am doing and which works well for me, but I have realized that it is just another way to manipulate oneself, without changing anything about the root cause of ones symptoms and so I have dropped it. 
    * breathing
Here I couldn't find any practical advice. My naive advice would be: Relax, be aware of your breathing, without wanting to do something about it. Just observe it and then you will notice that it calms down and you might fall asleep.
    * progressive relaxation
This is about 'muscle relaxation' with practical advice.
    * meditation
(history of the word but no practical advice given) If one wants to know how to do it, free from any dogma or belief system, can visit my meditation page
    * Yoga
Yoga has become primarily associated with the practice of asanas postures from Hatha Yoga (see Yoga as exercise) and so is not connected to any religion. 
    * T'ai Chi Ch'uan
"Studies have indicated improved cardiovascular and respiratory function in healthy subjects as well as those who had undergone coronary artery bypass surgery. Patients also benefited from T'ai Chi who suffered from heart failure, high blood pressure, heart attacks, arthritis and multiple sclerosis." 
    * exercise
Frequent and regular aerobic exercise has been shown to help prevent or treat serious and life threatening chronic conditions such as high blood obesity, heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, insomnia, and depression. 
    * diet
In my view the alimentation people are using is the second main cause of all diseases after 'stress' as a cause or it comes first, I don't know. But probably it goes well together.... If one would be sensitive and listen to one's body, not using food as a substitute to fulfill needs which lay on another level, then there would be no need to fall into the trap of salesmen and this would be no subject here.
    * laughter
It has been shown that laughing helps protect the heart. I like to laugh and I laugh whenever an opportunity shows up, life is full of comic, but when I look at the reality about health, then there is nothing to laugh about...
    * Time Management
Some techniques of time management may help a person to control stress. For example:
    * becoming more organized and reducing the generation of clutter
    * setting priorities can help reduce anxiety
    * using a "to do" list of tasks that a person needs to complete can give a person a sense of control and accomplishment
Effective stress management involves learning to set limits and to say "No" to some demands that others make.
I am amazed how much information is available! It will need some time to go through all the links. But I will take my time not to get into more stress...
Yes, there is a lot of information out there. It is overwhelming indeed! It becomes clear to me, that all information is like the many pieces of a puzzle one can find, if one looks for them, but then one has to put the pieces together and this can be done only by oneself. Nobody can help much with it, as it is an individual process, part of the growing. Growing up! What means getting out of dependencies  and taking self responsibility! 
I  will start with the management of my stress situation, finding out what causes the stress and how I can reduce it. So I make a list: 
My stress is caused by:       ...
  • 20 %  Stress produced by being aware of the world situation and people's suffering and my feeling of being impotent to do something significant about it.

  • A world situation which leads to total destruction. People's and animal's suffering which mostly is senseless and indeed it is because it is not used in a creative way as development of the individual and so of the whole species. Suffering and feeling as a victim doesn't lead anywhere, only into depression and more suffering. As long as the situation is not seen as a challenge and the position is taken to confront the situation, as long the chance is wasted and no development and growing can come out of it! Not personal and not as a species.
  • 10 %  Stress produced in me by people at FB, their attitude and  behavior, their lack of awareness, their defensive attitude, the lack of communication.

  • Mainly the stress is caused because I feel impotent to do something about it, as there is so much defense and resistance. I accept this as a reality of human nature, otherwise it would cause much more stress and I wouldn't have been able to continue since more than twenty years...
  • 20 %  Stress produced by my feeling of incapacity to do something effective.

  • As this is my personal reaction to the reality, causing the stress, it will reduce the stress if I just accept the facts even more, understanding that this is the condition of human nature in people. 
  • 10 %  Stress produced because of overload of work with daily maintaining the place.

  • It would cause much more stress if I wouldn't be able to 'take it easy', what on the other hand makes that I'm not giving much advice to people and expect that they contribute by bringing in their own initiative... And that seems ask far too much.
  • 20 %  Stress produced by unfinished work of projects at FB.

  • For the same reason I can't supervise enough the work in progress and so things get started but then get stuck.
  • 10 %  Stress produced by my yet unhealed hernia.

  • I'm using about 10 %  of my energy for doing exercises to heal my hernia, apart of the needed energy to deal with this disturbance.
  • 10 %  Stress produced by all the mess in my room and all around at FB.

  • To find something, it needs so much time which is needed to do other things and then not being able to do these, this is causing stress. I still hold the image of a beautiful, clean place, esthetic and well organized. I can take the mess, seeing it as a process, but also I realize that it gives me stress not being able to change things faster...
  • 10 %  Stress produced by being unable to do things I want to do.

  • There are things I would like to do, for example writing poetry, which could give me energy and reduce the stress, but to do so its needs at least some space which is not occupied with something else. OK: I trust that this free space will show up soon.
  • 10 %  Stress produced by unresolved problems with administration, computer, Internet connection, broken fork truck, pump, electricity, water, etc.

  • The many hours and days necessary to deal with technical and bureaucratic things is causing stress which would be much stronger if I wouldn't take all this as part of the game...
  • 10 %  Stress produced by obstacles to complete FB's intention. 

  • The above is part of the game, as well the many obstacles with people and the discrepancy between new ideas and society's established concepts.
  • 5 %  Stress produced by personal relation problems.

  • This is not possible to avoid and wouldn't be a problem if there wouldn't be an overload and so even little will cause stress.
    150 % produced stress is partly released through:
  • 50 % Stress Release Exercise
  • 10 % being in nature and with our animals
  • 10 % healthy food
  • 5 % contact with people
  • 5 % exercises
  • 5 % friends

  • ______
    85 % released 65 % unresolved stress causing heart symptoms.

    What might give a higher release:

  • 10 % more being in nature, walks, going to the beach
  • 10 % cleaning up my room, cleaning the place FB. Organizing things better.
  • 10 % healing my hernia
  • 5 % recovering from loss of friends
  • 10 % resolved administration problems and repaired equipment
  • 20 % more support from friends, sharing daily work and intention...

  • _______
    65 % all of the remaining stress would be resolved!!! And all heart trouble would disappear! Ok, this is theory. Probably there will not be more response to my work. Even thing get repaired, other things will break down. I better shouldn't depend on help from other people. So as a consequence: I need to change my expectations and my attitude. OK, so be it.
    Well, this list helped me to see clearer and where to start with a change: With myself in the first place and then with outside solutions. 

    Update: When I look at the list what could give me a higher release, then I can only think: Oh boy! Nothing of this has happened: 
  • 10 % more being in nature, walks, going to the beach

  • No beach, no walks. It is cold and rainy and if there is a sunny day, then there is too much to do...
  • 10 % cleaning up my room, cleaning the place FB. Organizing things better.

  • Rainwater comes into my room and is more messy than ever before. It' not possible to organize thing better; there's enough to do to cover things that the rain doesn't destroy all.
  • 10 % healing my hernia

  • There is some development and so release.
  • 10 % response to my work and some help

  • From there hardly comes any release.
  • 10 % resolved administration problems and repaired equipment

  • Nothing could be resolved, it is worse than ever: Fork truck broken, mechanic had an accident, car broken down, Internet doesn't work, electricity fails any moment, rain comes in every where, etc. 
  • 20 % more support from friends, sharing daily work and intention...

  • That's still in the air...
    Resume: OK, the list served me to become aware where my stress comes from, although the solution obviously doesn't lay there. The most important and essential and what can help me to deal with conditions and situations, is my attitude. This influences how I relate and respond to daily situations and here the amount of stress builds up and is then more or less. Big part of my attitude is formed by my expectations and the desire to complete those. There shows up a dilemma and I will need to reflect about it...

    Now I understand what is meant by: "A person's physiological response to an internal or external stimulus that triggers the "fight-or-flight" reaction." 
    I didn't understand until now what 'stress' really is and what is causing it. And the same happens obviously with all people out there: They have heart problems or other health issues, they go to the doctor and are told that this is caused by stress. Then they take some medication and go on, until there show up organic damage and the system breaks down... Bypass, surgery, transplant...
    OK, that's not my way and now as I start to understand what 'stress' really is, I will be able to do something about it, although the 'doing' is not a doing in the first place, it is more a being aware of my own conditions: My attitudes, my world view, my expectations, my unconscious pattern, my vision, my concerns and probably much more...
    When I read again what I have written at this page, then I can understand why nobody is giving me any feedback, probably nobody is even reading it: It is just tooo much, toooo many words and not yet offered a concrete solution, which could be taken that easy like a pill. I really wish I could give this to suffering people, but it becomes clearer and clearer that healing needs one's total engagement and responsibility. One can listen to every body and search all over the place, but if there is dependency in whatever aspect, then one's healing is blocked. Being aware of this is a step in one's healing process and one has to make, as a consequence coming out of it, one's decisions, what might be another challenge and a hard thing to do! 

    I still have heart trouble, although it is better now, maybe because I have the space here to express myself. Yes, of course, this is another way for an effective stress release: Just expressing ones thoughts and feelings! I could go into the forest and use a tree or rock for it, talking and screaming at it. OK, so I do the same here...
    I'm pretty sure that without my daily 'Stress Release Exercise' I would not be able to go on. Since a few days I'm feeling better, I didn't connect this with the fact that I'm doing 'Sun gazing' again since a few days. I haven't done it all winter. Today when I did it, it was cold but the sun was beautiful, I felt like the tension were leaving me like a cloud dissolved into the sky. Indeed I felt much better, so I decided to do the Sun gazing every evening from now on. 

    A decision is one thing, but then... There was no sunshine since I made the decision...
    Several weeks passed and drastically things happened: Since three weeks I'm laying in bed with a broken leg, not being able to move at all. The first two weeks were very painful and a real torture, especially because I rejected all painkiller and any medication. Since a few days at least I can sit for some time and use the computer. I got some help for not using the computer because there was no Internet connection for three weeks, then no telephone connection and then the server had problems and our Web site didn't show up. Well, just the normal daily hassle, but I couldn't do anything about it and was forced to relaxe. I had time to reflect about all and to find out about it, looking for the positive aspect in it. Indeed there is: This forced 6 week vacation makes a profound change in my condition. I have ask myself why I had this silly accident. The insight I had was very clear: If I wouldn't have had this accident, then probably I would have gotten a heart infarct with a much more serious outcome. Then there is another positive aspect: Since about two weeks before my accident my hernia seemed to be healed, because it didn't hurt at all and it didn't come out. But I wasn't sure about it and still was wearing the truss when working, although not when taking the sauna, going to the toilet, etc. Laying in bed now for two weeks for sure was good to heal the hernia completely and when I went to the hospital yesterday for a check, then I didn't do anything to protect the hernia. There was no problem, no pain after this. So now I will need to be in bed for another three weeks and this for sure is favorable for the complete healing of my hernia. I am continuing with my daily exercises I have described at my 'hernia page'. 
    There are several more positive aspects: I'm able now to take some distance from my normal daily work and all the projects I have done and so find a new way... I will see...
    Even laying in bed I can't avoid to have stress, but I'm aware when it happens, not only because my heart rate goes up immediately... although there are no more frightening symptoms. 
    After my leg was healed and also my hernia, also my heart seemed to be back to normal. Now I could manage my stress situation much better and with the basic help of my daily meditation practice, even though I had to go through a very tough time with people here at FalconBlanco. Finally with the result that nearly all people left, leaving me with a totally messed up place. For sure this gave me a lot of stress, but no heart symptoms came back. 

    Update: One year has past and no heart symptoms has been showing up, but a few weeks ago one morning I got up and couldn't walk, being so dizzy like totally drunken. Later I got my blood pressure measured in a pharmacy and it had sky rocket. I bought the herb teas: Olive leafs and Espino Blanco and also a bottle of Apple vinegar, that I took (two spoons of vinegar and one of honey in a glass of tea, three times a day) My dizziness went away and I guess my blood pressure went back to normal. 
    Several weeks has past and there were no symptoms showing up again, but last night I woke up with heart pain, I was sweating and couldn't sleep. 
    I'm worried now and see that I have to do something about it. I read this page again and must see that my stress causing situation hasn't change much. Yes, there are now a few more people here and we are cleaning up the place, but we are still not enough people and I am occupied too many hours. Then when exhausted in the evening, I sit several hours more at the computer and write... All this is too much. I have a clear vision what my next steps will be and so from there comes no stress. I have no fix plan and so what ever situation there is, I can stay pretty much relaxed and don't need to fight against unfavorable conditions because they don't fit to my expectations, - but yes: the mess on my desk gives me stress, so I will clean it up now!
    Later more, - I need to take it easy...

    Update: The most important: My hernia is totally healed! Since more than four years there are absolutely no symptoms and I can work like before! 

    Update: Since about half a year I am doing the 'ankle pump exercise' and I'm convinced that because of this my blood pressure is stable and also I haven't had any heart problems lately, even though the outside conditions haven't changed at all, just the way I relate and respond to them...
    health index page     Stress Release Exercise     'Sun gazing'
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