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the bright light?
this question it seems that you have a kind of vision that this 'light'
exists, although you are not able to see it. The cause might be, that your
eyes are closed or you are still wearing narrow blinders. Instead of asking
'where' it is, you might need to ask why you don't see it. If there is
no concrete answer, then the best will be to trust that the light will
show up in it's time when you are ready. Now your vision might be too much
depending on your personal image and that might be an obstacle and just
from those 'blinders' you are wearing.
I felt something before and don't see that I feel it now. So yes, this
is a kind of vision. So by asking this, I feel its a reality check. You
are right, the question isn't ‘where it is’, its ‘why I don't see it’.
This is practical advice then, to ask and try to find out, even though
you give the answer… Okay, so I know the blinders are still in place, that
at least is something. If no answer comes from my question, then I can
see how trusting is a much better alternative than crying over something
that isn't yet ready.
the flooding of understanding?
is the result of a process and comes by itself, it must not be forced,
otherwise it might be just a means for survival purposes. 'Knowing and
understanding' might be part of your personal 'property', from this probably
you get your 'self confirmation'. Clinging and defending this property
is an obstacle to go beyond...
question probably comes from another vision of mine, asking it for the
same reasons as the one above. In any case, I agree with what you say here
about understanding. Do I ask this because that for me is what is most
valid? Perhaps, this is true. I will look at it.
does it feel to come home to one's being?
this question you are looking to secure yourself of a state you don't know.
You only can 'come home' when you give up your clinging to your momentary
existence which in a certain way is holding onto a dream state, but you
are afraid to wake up and asking how it will be to wake up, - before you
dare to do any step further...
I see that in asking these questions I am trying to determine if I am awake
or not. I don't feel that I'm there, because I have some type of vision
that hints at what it could be like. It doesn't seem that the normal confirmation
seeking personality could be so honest and ask such a question, but then
it becomes more obvious with the visible reacting disappointment when the
desire is not met. So there must be a clinging to this desire.
doesn't seem to be a way to know.
are too many ways 'to know' and all have very little to do with reality
which only can come out of the direct experience of life.
When I say this, I am conceding that the personality can't understand it.
the 'personality' can't understand who then understands?
I'm realizing that this most likely is the basis of my clinging to my momentary
existence, my great need to know or understand. Feeling myself in this
way, arising from the turning of the personality, is what makes it feel
to me that I exist. So then I'm saying that I'm sensing that I have to
let go of this ‘way’ to think that I know, seeing that this causes the
turning defense game of interpretation, keeping one fully identified with
this structure. So it appears that looking and observing, allows a response
from a different source beyond the usual defending of reactions, which
looks to be a direct knowing and understanding. So maybe then there is
subsequent understanding reflected in the personal structure, but it's
only momentary, one shouldn't cling to it.
I expecting too much?
you do, on the other hand expectation is the motor which moves you.
Also causes disappointment, frustration and suffering, bringing you to
painful situations, which will make you question yourself...
So the vision can be the motor to urge you on, and the disappointments
the reality check, turning you back to yourself.
I clinging to understanding?
you do. This is just natural and the way human personality is surviving.
Even though its all interpreted.
is no objective reality in personal understanding. All is subjective and
result of interpretation, based upon the personal background structure.
I detaching from my own reactions?
be able to observe your own reactions it needs a certain detachment. Most
people are sucked into their reaction and they are not able to observe.
The reaction is giving 'identity' and proof of one's existence, because
the personality is formed out of emotions and thoughts. So humans in general
and each person is constantly looking for confirmation. It is a long process
to come to the point to question these automatic reactions. Before this
happens everything will be done to protect one's property. There is a sophisticated
defense system built up and unless a person is ready, so will not question
this established system or even listen to anything which might question
it with the danger that it might be reduced. So if you feel that you are
detaching from your own reactions, that shows that you have probably suffered
enough and that you are open to do your first steps beyond your 'personality'.
I do feel more open and humbled right now due to the last round of suffering,
so I feel renewed with determination to continue the quest to find out
about myself. So this new attitude seems to give the necessary distance
to more objectively observe. But also it seems strange in that it feels
split, and there was fear in asking because I remember in the past when
I couldn't even acknowledge my own reactions.
I adopting a new position?
your walk you are using stepping stones. You are using one to go to the
next. With each one you have a new position. This position is always 'new'
but it gives a certain security and that is what you still need; although
there are other ways to survive, for example to adapt oneself easily to
any situation, probably by not relating or responding, only with the minimum
of effort to avoid problems by going too deep into a challenge...
When I say ‘adopt’ I mean dream up. I understand more when you say ‘adapt’.
That makes sense in that you grow from one stage to the next, and each
one is new or different from the previous. Why is the security needed?
Is it that I still need it or do all growing systems need it? I see a new
all existing systems are striving for security, unless there are reactions
of self-destruction which then might serve the survival of the species.
I looking for a new role?
every step you do, your role might change. With this you are adapting yourself
to new situations. Probably you are not 'looking' for new roles in the
first place, because this adapting happens 'automatically', but it might
also be that you are looking for something new to experience yourself in
a different way, because the old way didn't give you enough satisfaction
and confirmation anymore.
I understand the first part, where you are talking about the growing process
and adaptation. The second part is what I'm worried about in that I see
its the personality reasserting itself. The same old confirmation game
still being played.
need to be confirmed in one's existence is a natural part of being in general
and belongs to all existence, beginning from the first cell up to the highest
form of consciousness. This is inseparable part of the growing process
and it is good not to see this in a negative way, although it shows many
negative aspects on the path...
I splitting further apart?
necessarily, because your system is doing every thing to keep itself together
and defending it's state of being.
The system being the inbuilt survival mechanism?
systems have an inbuilt survival mechanism which is part of the inbuilt
I fooling myself again?
course that's what you are doing! There is no other way. This is part of
your existence, fooling yourself you survive.
don't understand this answer.
Does this mean that especially Betsy is fooling herself or do you mean
this in general for every body?
body is fooling oneself, more or less, I guess there is no exception in
this. The first step is to look at this fact and accept it, then it might
be possible to go beyond. Only then, because as long we believe in our
precious knowledge and wisdom, getting our self confirmation out
of it, then we will always be fooling ourselves.
So it looks like you are saying that the ‘fooling oneself’ syndrome happens
because we are growing, which is somehow related to our inbuilt reactions
that are there for the purpose of our continued survival. I can now see
that all these reactions coming from the personality are defensive, thus
making sense that these happen automatic with the sole purpose to keep
us alive. This understanding is what I think allows a more objective viewpoint
to be able to just observe them.
I adopted a more clever defense?
of course. Your learning goes into all directions, especially and in the
first place to help you to survive.
Survive, survive, survive…
it would be a useful exercise to make a list of all the different ways
you are using to defend yourself. You have to look really near to discover
the very sophisticated tricks the personality is using. That means reacting
to influences or - not reacting...
I have been doing this, and so far I see that I use the ‘not reacting’
quite a bit.
fear, that I'm not done with all this yet.
course not. What is your expectation? You are looking for an 'instant'
method? Why is there fear? Because you are tired of experiencing disappointment
and frustration? You want to get out of your painful existence? So you
are caught in your experience, you want to get out of it but at the same
time it gives you proof of your existence and this you don't want to miss
or let go.
I would like an instant method that's for sure. Yes, I am tired of experiencing
this appointment and frustration. Yes I want to get out of my painful existence
and yes it looks like I'm caught in my experience because it gives me proof,
and this I can't let go of. This is reality, this is what it means
to survive? Better to accept this truth and learn how best to deal
it might be the best to accept information which can help you to get out
of your conflict. It is not the question how 'to deal best' but to be willing
to go through...
As I understand it, the personality feels it is surviving because one is
getting one's proof of existence by defending the reactions happening there.
So it seems that once one sees clearly how this survival game works, then
one can just stop defending the reactions, or not giving energy to that
anymore. Is that letting go or willingness to go through?
there ever an end to this?
might be an end if there is an end to your fear and this is part of your
growing process and depends in good part on you. You are not a victim of
your own fear. This is a reaction to protect your system. Be aware of it!
Then you will be able to go beyond.
Okay, I will look to see when it arises.
fear, because I don't know?
now with this you 'know' where you can start in an effective way.
feel like I'm in limbo.
This is your fear because you are not in the state of limbo, for this you
are still too full. It is your fear which makes you feel like in limbo,
you are clinging on all the stuff which gives you identity. At the same
time there is an urge to let go and this conflict provokes fear.
I agree I'm still too full, so it must be fear that creates the feeling.
However, I don't know what to do about the conflict that's provoking this.
don't need to do anything and you can't do anything. It is a load you are
carrying with you, it is not possible just to drop it. You are the load!
You are identified with it, it gives you the feeling of existence and out
of this you are reacting and responding to whatever comes near to you.
As long you are identified with your 'load' you are also identified with
your reactions and this gives you confirmation. Now you are in parts aware
of your reactions and so with this you are becoming aware also of your
load. And this is already enough, you don't need to do anything. This part
of the 'load' you are becoming aware of, will drop by itself...
Okay, I understand that I am the load and see why I can't drop it, because
I'm identified with it. So it does look like that becoming aware of
the load is enough.
feel I'm at a critical point.
you see it as an opportunity to go forward in a new and creative way? What
is 'critical' about it?
I feel this opportunity is here (again), and it seems critical in that
I'm tired of the old way and want to go forward in a new and creative way.
And I don't have very much trust right now in that I won't grab onto something
fairly soon, to keep the personality game turning around.
feel empty with nothing defined.
it the feeling of 'transition' with the outlook to a new field which opens
up to a new horizon? You might need to allow... You might need to trust
the inbuilt 'growing force' within yourself, this will bring you over the
critical point of feeling empty.
I suppose it's like the feeling of transition, in that I don't feel like
I've attached to any understanding. I feel humbled from my recent experiences
and feel wide open for something else.
know I don't want to go back.
then don't look back. It is the challenge now you need to confront, relating
and responding out of your capacity, just as good as you can. Your 'past'
is pushing you and gives you also the necessary means to go ahead.
It gives some comfort knowing there is some support. I agree, the challenge
right now is to confront, relate and respond as best as I'm able to what
presents. It helps having a little more distance.
know I don't want to cling.
do you know that clinging is the most natural way to survive of any existing
being, so better to accept this and deal with it. Why you don't want to
cling? Your experience is that you are clinging and this is in contradiction
of what you want because you know that you can't get free with clinging.
So there is a conflict and you are fighting. Might it not be better to
get to know the reason for your clinging and just observe it when it happens?
This makes quite a bit of sense. Yes, better to observe it when it happens
and get to know the reason, then you aren't fighting against it.
know I don't want to live these dreams.
But the fact is that you are dreaming and you don't wake up just by wanting
to wake up. So what happens now because of your wish is that in your dream
you dream that you are awake. So you are not waking up but you are creating
just another dream. This is common and one of the many aspects caused by
I know that you can't wake up by wanting to wake up. But also I admit that
this goes round and round, so I have the wish and also the dream. Does
praying for grace help?
are living and you are relating and responding the best you are capable,
Apart of this you
are meditating regularly. I think this is all what is needed. You can pray
if this feels right for you, probably it will not damage anybody...
Only one thing seems certain: I
just want to find out who I am.
it depends how intense this wish is. You want to find out even with the
risk that you might discover that there is nothing left and you might fall
into just nothingness?
then just go ahead. Trust yourself and trust the growing force within yourself.
You will not fall into 'nothingness' this is just an image produced by
fear. Now you have all the tools needed and you have the full support by
everything around you and all what shows up in front of you.
I feel that fear of falling into a ‘nothingness’-image. But also it must
be that to conquer this, one can just use the tools of observation, trusting
in oneself and all that is around by relating to what life presents.
Maybe for now, I
just cling to that observing as best as I can.
is no clinging necessary. For now you just live and enjoy life the best
you can, which also means to be as responsible as you can, relating and
responding the best you can to whatever shows up in your life... To whatever!!
I sense this, being more open to observing everything around and inside,
no matter what it is. I think with the attitude of this intention to find
out and challenging one's own reactions, it should be possible.
ask too many questions. SHUT UP and be one with nature!! MAO TAE
To tell this person, who is asking all these questions, to shut up and
to be with nature, is similar as to ask an alcoholic not to drink or a
drug addict not to take drugs, or an work addict not to work too much,
or a person in deep depression to ask better to be happy...
The next consequent
step in your philosophy would be to ask people to take off their cloth
and live in trees and only to eat leaves and once and a while a fat worm
or bug. I guess you are practicing your philosophy for yourself and can
give us more detailed advises. Or is it enough for you just to shout your
instant wisdom into the Internet forest?
When this person had
ask those many questions, then obviously they came out of an urge to express
herself and out of the need to find clearness in a conflict situation.
And as these questions were send to me, so I felt the responsibility to
answer them. If you would have taken the effort to read my answers, then
you would have seen that the essence of my response is not
so different than
your advice except that I wouldn't tell a person who is seriously searching
to shut up. When a person is asking and showing to be capable to use her
intellect, then this faculty can be used to find an answer. One should
be able to see the difference if a person is stuck in one's intellect and
using this just for self confirmation as a kind of mind masturbation or
is using it as part of one's natural resources to do a growing step
towards that what you call 'nature'! It is obvious that reducing one's
abilities to a more primitive state of being by excluding one's mind is
not an intelligent solution. Probably you also vote that a tranquilizer
is added to the drinking water of population to keep them all like zombies
what they in general are anyway.
When I have posted
those questions to news groups, then because with the thought that in selected
groups with similar subjects, there would be people who are interested
in an exchange and so having the possibility to go to my Web site to read
the answers and having the possibility to participate in a creative discussion.
Who wants to shut up, can do this freely and this is done without your
advice in abundance. What do you think why news groups are all more or
less all dead? If they are not yet totally dead, then for sure they will
when following your advice. So don't tell me to shut up answering questions
and don't ask somebody who is expressing oneself to shut up.
Questions & Answers in
connection with FalconBlanco:
is your vision for the ideal community in terms of members, mission and
don't have any vision for an ideal... We think at this time that 8 members
would make a 'stable' creative team. Mission is raising consciousness,
our own and others as part of our own activities as individuals and as
a group. A lifestyle ideal would be that which is the least destructive
to the earth and
beings as well as
that which is the most independent of other existing systems. We see the
matter of raising consciousness as the most important, and the lifestyle
while important not as the most critical.
much does the state of current community differ from that which you describe
on your web site?
From that which is most essential, not much different, in that still a
creative team of members is not formed. There are 3 members, 3 helpers,
25 cats, 3 dogs, 8 chicken. We aren't making bio-diesel at this time but
want to restart it. There are many projects we want to do but it's difficult
them going with a
small number of people.
have you not adopted more permanent members?
Of this there is written quite a bit in our web site. The main reason is
that people are mostly seeking confirmation of their self-image and this
is not what they will find here.
This is not what we
are about - the practice of meditation is not a self confirming thing.
Meditation and becoming aware of the game one is playing in one's personality
is not confirming oneself. First one needs to find out why one's personality
wants to be confirmed. Less and less one will want confirmation for what's
going on in one's head, and also at this point one might realize why one
don't want to give it to others, because it keeps people stuck in their
Many people who contact
us say: "Yes, I want to find out about myself, I want to look within, etc."
But the reality is that this is tough work and people quickly 'bow out'
not able to own up to their own turmoil that is coming to the surface -
always, always, blaming and giving the fault to the place, to us, to our
project, to our food, to our..., that this is the reason why whatever...
and then they leave. There is a community in Mexico also focused on self-discovery.
I read their web site not that long ago and saw that for 25 years, they
experience exactly the same. People stay, but only as long as they can
take it; which for most people isn't very long, not long enough to become
part of the team and to keep working in this way, going beyond themselves
and working for the whole.
you open to people becoming permanent members of FalconBlanco, after
3 months of visitation?
Even before 3 months of visitation are over, we see that certain people
can be members on the day that they arrive, for as long as they want to
are some of the expectations that others brought to FalconBlanco that were
I presume you want to know what are the common disappointments, otherwise
I would not have enough time and space in this email to list them all.
Nearly all of the expectations I had when I came were not realized, but
now having stayed long enough I realize that they were not realizable.
When I dropped them, then there was no longer a problem. WahLah! In general
someone may be disappointed that we don't have all organic food, but then
they don't offer or stick around to remedy that and plant a garden. Instead
they use this 'reason'
to leave. This is the same with 100's of things. On the ICDB.org site I
have filled in our database record with all these external details. If
there is something important for you this way, either with the people,
place or what outside work we are doing, then I suggest that you follow
up and ask more specific and then we can clear it up so it's not unrealistic.
do you feel realistic expectations should be in your community?
the unexpected! Expect that your expectations won't be realized. Expect
to find out about yourself and your motion causing background. Expect to
be challenged. Expect some fun, the unusual, interesting. Expect that it's
hardly ever boring here. Expect to have time and space for being creative,
to find a way to express yourself in an artistic way, (Poetry, painting,
sculpturing, acting, making videos and photos, etc.) expect to find support
and assistance if wanted. Expect beautiful nature, a warm greeting and
many animal's waiting for someone to be their special friend. Expect to
not have to worry about money.
tell me more about your daily meditations. I practice with weekly sittings
at the Shambhala Center and also daily when my schedule permits.
You can express yourself
freely and we will respond as soon as possible...
Right now we do a quiet sitting meditation in the big dome with the 3 of
us and sometimes a visitor joins. We are also doing the sungazing when
the sun shines either at sunrise or sunset, so this for us would substitute
for a meditation. We try to stick together as a group for at least meditation
and meals so that there is time to communicate with each other, etc. But
the dome is available at any time for meditation, which could be done instead
of sungazing or not. We don't force anybody to meditate, it has to come
out of one's own initiative and desire to do so.
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