Recovered from Fibromyalgia! BeiYin
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Now I am convinced that I am recovered from Fibromyalgia! Because I am pain free and feel good I stopped all treatments I have done on myself for about one and a half year like Ozone sauna, Ozone insufflation, massage, food supplements and all kind of cleansing. I even stopped meditation, (NOT mediCation - which I never took of any kind!) - instead of meditation I am doing 'Sun gazing' for about 25 minutes every morning. This I am doing since five months and probably this turned my healing process into recovery together with all the other treatments.
Since about three weeks, when I stopped all treatments, I am working all day long and this is tough because of the summer heat. I am getting up at 6.00 o'clock in the morning and start working in the forest cutting trees and branches to prevent the fire risk. The forest fire we had about three years ago was probably the main reason which had triggered my Fibromyalgia... Working with a motor saw is hard work and I am sweating like hell, maybe even more than in a sauna. Of course I am getting very tired and need to relax in between, my day finishes at about 12.00 o'clock in the night and next day I'm recovered and with good energy. Sometimes I get up at 3.00 o'clock in the morning to write something - like now. I can hardly believe it myself!
So I can understand that people might say: 'This guy never had Fibromyalgia!' But indeed I had and maybe I still have, - I don't know, because I still don't understand fully what Fibromyalgia really is. I just know that I have passed an essential step in my personal 'growing process', although the outside situation in which I am living hasn't changed at all. There are still the same problems and difficulties, but obviously something in my attitude has changed, not so much visible, but probably in essential parts. This of course has also an outside effect, for example I have dropped nearly totally my Internet activities, I am not writing anymore in news groups or mailing lists. My Web site is on a new server but I
haven't done any updates lately. I haven't even written any poetry the last half a year. Sending this post is an exception. Yes, there are some changes in my behavior with people and also how I relate to what comes to me, this has to be crystallize during the next time and probably there will be changes in my living situation... Many things have lost their importance to me and other might have gotten a new more essential aspect...
I will go on with some of the treatments for example with the ozone sauna at least once a week and I am still carefully with my alimentation...
What I want to express is that recovery from Fibromyalgia is possible, in spite of what the doctors had told me before. Although the healing has to happen in such a wholesome way that it makes it difficult for most people. There are about 500 visitors at my Web site daily and it is astonishing how few people are ready and willing to do the effort to enter into a healing process! The majority still wants to be healed instantly and is disappointed if this is not possible.
Obviously it is necessary to understand that disease is not something bad which is caused by outside influences and a sick person has to get out of the role of a victim of circumstances which can't be changed. There must be a profound change in one's attitude and behavior to enter a healing process!
Obviously our society and with this the established medical system is not able for this and to get out of this is hardly possible for the average person, although the suffering from one's disease is motive enough...
You must not be surprised that I am not selling anything on my Web site or somewhere else, because the attitude towards money is part of the healing process...
Comment: Your visit to that doctor was just another step in your own efforts to feel better.
BeiYin: You are right, this was another step. I didn't feel good after this visit but not that bad that I could see it as 'depression'. In contrary, for me it was a proof that I am NOT depressive. Yes, I had expected some kind of help, at least to get some clearance about the cleansing I am doing. So this didn't happen, only it was showing that human limitation is the most normal...
My intention is not to feel better, but to be healed. In this there is a big difference. That is for example the reason why I don't take anything like painkiller just to feel better (even if the dentist takes out a nerve...) and by the way: This is also one reason why I am very critical about the food supplements which seem so promising, but in my view they are not so much different than medicine which makes people feel better, so then people can go on with their life style, attitude, etc. they are used and which probably is the cause for their disease, but feeling better then there is no reason to change anything, they can go on with their bad eating habits, smoking, drinking etc. they just take their supplements... Then there is no healing. Right?
Comment: I don't think you should set such a lofty goal of "healing yourself".
BeiYin: Maybe this sounds 'lofty', but for me it is a challenge which indeed is asking for the most effort I am capable and I am willing to do all possible to confront this challenge which is forcing me in away to which I only can respond because all my life was a preparation for it and if this is the only and last thing I can do and I have to do, because if I don't confront it, then my life is finish. Which is obvious because my energy is going down in such a way that very little is left. This last little I used to do the first step to find a direction out of it and this was a step beyond my 'personality'...
With this first step I started to change a few things in my life. With this a gained a little bit more energy and motivation to go on. Although I was living all my life pretty healthy I could see that there was probably a accumulation of toxins and so I started a cleansing. From this I gained some more energy and went on... Now I am feeling much better and the pain I had before all over my body is much less. I am doing quite a number of different treatments, but I am not taking any drugs or medicine. I am writing a 'logbook' about all steps I'm doing and I will report about it later on...
Comment: ...as it is very rare that someone is healed or cured of Fibromyalgia.
BeiYin: That is why I say one must 'heal Oneself' because this can only be a process which mobilizes the whole existence. And as there is, due to the disease, very little left, so it is necessary to reach out for other sources than those coming out of limited personal properties...
Comment: Most people think that if you find a cure, you probably did not have Fibromyalgia at all.
BeiYin: I don't care what people think and I don't know if there is a possibility to be healthy for me again. I just see that if I don't be extremely carefully about every thing I do now, every step I take, every decision, directing my awareness, selecting my activities, then I will not be able to go on and I will collapse, maybe even just before the wagon is getting out of the mud. This becomes clear in this moment when I write this down and I am thankful for your response which gives me the opportunity to respond...
Comment: You are right, we ALL have to find our own way and use our own judgment to feel better.
BeiYin: I see that 'judgment' is a first step and is bound and connected to one's personality and probably the 'feeling better' is the most important then. But I believe that it is essential to go beyond this, to enter a field where 'healing' can occur, this indeed is very individual and maybe the final stage of our growing process.
Comment: It does take years.
BeiYin: In fact it took decades that I came to this point and I see it all as a preparation. It was a tough training which also brought me to the state of being able to use 'intuition', what means to go beyond personal knowledge, opinions, judgment and all those limited abilities which are bound to our human personality.
Comment: The good news is that you WILL find ways to feel better.
BeiYin: As I said it before: This goes beyond personal needs and expectations. I suppose that all those diseases like Cancer, Aids, Fibromyalgia, etc. are a challenge for a profound change in one's life and I am convinced that then 'healing' is possible. This will as a essential condition include all levels of one's existence and needs a total engagement. Without preparation for sure this is a 'lofty goal'...
Comment: I doubt you will die from trying new treatments - just do your research carefully.
BeiYin: My energy is extremely unstable and there is little left so a wrong step might be the last one. Knowing this and feeling responsible, I will be carefully in my research, although entering in a total unknown field with hardly any landmarks. So my 'intuition' will be my best guidance. I am positive about it, although one thing is for sure that I will die, although I would like that this happens after I have finished my research successfully and I really would like to die in best health... ;-)
Comment: Now tell us how you REALLY FEEL ;0)
BeiYin: I take it as an opportunity to have a look and I will tell you about it: I feel good. After having suffered from all kind of pain and being totally exhausted for more than two years, I feel like new born. Without pain and with new energy.
I feel calm and can take now things much more relaxed than ever before. Difficulties I still see as a challenge and I am trying to solve them, but if it doesn't work, then having done my best, I can drop the case and can go on to a new project.
Haven't written much the last half a year and started now in this NG again. I still feel good about it and the negative reactions of people does not make me angry. If they defend themselves in such a way then this tells me that they are not able and prepared to step out of their self image, which probably has made them sick. That's it, if they prefer to stay were they are, then I have nothing to tell them. But there are other people and if I go on writing, then for those people.
I can also understand that they are not responding within this NG, because they will probably be attacked like me and being vulnerable and needing their 'family' this wouldn't make them feel comfortable. But these people exist even they don't show up (yet).
I haven't written any poetry for quite some time, but I know that the impulse to do so will come back in it's time, so I am not feeling bad about it. Maybe it would be better to send poems to this NG, because I have made the experience that with the same content people are reacting less defensive. Poems are like music, one can listen to it but don't need to react aggressive.
It feels that there is a transition now. After being sick and not being able to work intense on my projects, I am thinking about it how I want to go on: Shall I drop things which seem to be impossible to be realized? Or shall I use my new energy to go on? It feels to me that I need to think about it and I feel that I don't want to put that much energy into something which obviously people don't want, like in this NG.
Whatever it will be what I will do in the future, at the moment I go on with my daily work and also I will respond if there are questions directed to me. All the rest I will just ignore. What doesn't mean that I will not defend my place, for example my right for a Internet connection. But I will not invest more energy into it than necessary. With other words: I will not react emotionally.
If somebody is able to receive something from my writings which will give a new viewpoint so that it can open a way out of the suffering and the FM, then this would make me feel happy, if not it will not make me feel unhappy.
So you see: Emotionally I feel calm and good, although not happy. Mentally I feel calm. My memory is much better, although sometimes there are black holes, but this doesn't irritate me. My intuition works well and I feel inspired, what makes me feel good. My body feels good, not really strong but at least pain free. Soon I will start with some body building exercises to gain back my old strength I had some years ago. At the moment I have enough exercise with the daily physical work. With my sleep it is still strange because I can't sleep more than three hours in one go, but this is no problem, because when I am getting tired then I just sleep for one hour or more. This has to do with my horse who is sick and I am taking care of. But I don't want to go into details, this might be already more than you want to hear from me. So I'm sorry, but I like to write and if somebody asks me then it just flows... ;-o
BeiYin: Yes, that's what I do in the first place. It's a testimonial about my healing process. This I am trying to share. But apart of it I am describing a lot of different treatments which I tried and found helpfully in my healing. Those treatments are not coming out of my experience originally but I am telling about it and my experience with it. So it is up to you if you check it or not. If you have adapted the opinion from somewhere that something is not good then you will not try it and so maybe missing help in your healing. If I tell you about my experience that not eating a certain thing helps me and makes me feel better, then you might say: 'Yes, but I like it...' And then this might be because you are addicted, so probably you will reject my advice and continuing to eat unhealthy. This is a simple example.
I just received the following comment, which I believe is worthwhile to be read. I will not make long comments to it because it is already pretty long:
Comment: You say that you have tried a lot of different treatments. It appears that you have adhered to these treatments on your own, without having medical assistance or someone from the outside telling you what you need to do. I think this is the part of what you describe that is the most difficult to carry out because it requires the ability to discipline oneself.
You give a simple example about eating something that you like even though you know that it is harmful to your health. I think this is an obvious step that everyone should take who is sick, and that is that they should eliminate all things which they know cause them harm. The basic list is well known: caffeine, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, refined sugars, white flour, harmful fats, artificial colors and sweeteners, flavor enhancers and all foods that are heavily processed. Also everything that is known as toxic should be eliminated from your household including all the chemical cleaners, personal hygiene products, pesticides, herbicides, etc.
For me this is intuitive, that if I am sick and want to get better (or want to stay healthy) then as a first step, I should eliminate everything from my consumption that causes me harm and can't help my immune system fight my illness. The problem is that I know this, yet I have a hard time carrying out those things which I know that I should do.
I have been looking for answers to this dilemma, and I found the following dialog regarding addictions from Toni Packer at http://www.springwatercenter.org.)
I clipped the first part because otherwise this post would be too long. Basically the person had observed in themselves all the reasons why they overate, yet was distraught because still they couldn't stop the behavior, she responds:
You have observed what is going on in wanting to eat, eating more, getting to feelings of numbness and also the discomfort in the stomach area, thoughts that chide one's lack of control and the haunting image of living as a fat person.
In the end you mention the occasional realization that eating isn't the problem but rather addiction to habitual trains of thought, and then the implied question: "Is there something else beside this endless looking?"
Questioning, looking, and discovering need not end as long as we are alive -- it is the antidote to our deeply conditioned unawareness. But there can also be a genuine interest in *experimenting* with what is being observed, questioning it thoroughly. Can you give careful attention to the very moment you find yourself reaching for the food, realizing how it is driven and supported by fantasy of taste pleasures, actually salivating at the thoughts, and truly wondering what happens if one doesn't go with the alluring fantasy, simply abstaining, not out of principle, but out of genuine curiosity?
This isn't easy because there is a powerful momentum in the urge to fulfill desire. But -- can there, for one moment, be a shift in energy in which attention takes the place of fantasy?
Waking up from living in a dream? In that shift from compulsion to simple attention desire has a chance to abate.
What remains is what is here -- the breathing, the refrigerator humming, an open listening space in which everything has room to come and go freely.
I think what she means with 'fantasy mode' is that while I'm 'acting habitually' (against my better judgment) then my focus is with my thinking and probably I'm justifying or defending my actions or not paying attention.
So then she says that what is needed is a shift in energy, away from one's fantasy to attention.
The difficulty is that the brain is tirelessly providing all kinds of rationalizations, excuses, justifications for doing what is most craved in the dream. Is it possible to see this activity for what it is, not be deceived by it, but simply take note of it, remaining with bare attention one moment at a time?
This is the life of meditation.
The sun is breaking through the cloudy sky, shining in all its glory."
Comment: What I understand from her reply is that our observations can only take us so far, that in the end we have to take it to another level and that is to the level of experimentation.
With an experiment you have a hypothesis, a plan to test the hypothesis, a control and at the end a means to analyze the result.
To experiment like this (with myself) demands that I am present or aware in the moment I need to be. I know that normally when I'm reaching for 'whatever thing' that it is coming out of a habit, that I'm doing this automatically.
I'm not observing the habit or questioning it at the time. Certainly I'm not being objective with myself, like a scientist would be who was truly interested in carrying out his experiment, to test the hypothesis.
I think that I understand this but I'm not sure if or how I can do it. I think that also one needs a firm belief or reason to test the hypothesis. If one is sick and wants to get better, than that should provide enough initiative. It could be something simple like:
'I'm sick and one element could be that I am allergic to wheat. There is only one way to find out and that is to not eat it for a certain period of time and then later reintroduce it to see if there is a negative reaction.'
Having stated clearly the problem and what I want to do then I see it's possible to carry out the experiment.
Then if I'm thinking about or reaching for bread or pasta, then this should trigger the reminder of my 'experiment and shake me out of my daydream, right?
I can see that this is my next challenge, to learn how to stay present in the moment and stick to my conviction of what I know is good and right for myself. I think it would best to do this type of experimentation with just one thing at a time, to keep it simple. Then if I'm able to do it with one thing, then probably it becomes easier to do it with the next. Then I can see that step by step I can keep experimenting with different things to see if they help me get better.
Is this the type of thing that you went through in your own healing process? If not, can you clarify?
Do you see parallels between the process described above and that of meditation?
BeiYin: Meditation gives light and water to the plant which one calls 'self knowledge', so that it can grow and be strong to deal with the daily challenge and gives the base on which we can relate and respond to what shows up: from inside and outside; so that finally the split between the two fades away...