Disease is a challenge - part of a Healing Process
of ones whole existence - growing towards Wholeness
Testimonial about my personal healing  BeiYin


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Going beyond 'Personality' - BeiYin               updated: 25.5.12
When reading the following writings, please be aware, that this was written as a kind of daily report during the time when I was still sick and in my healing process...
Probably the most difficult issue to talk about. Can words express something what goes beyond words? Even more difficult: Can a person who is limited to one's 'personality' can grasp something which goes beyond oneself? Words can just be used as a 'code' expressing an experience which is totally individual and can only be 'understood' from the same state of being or awareness. Words are mainly used to express experiences and knowledge, but are staying on the intellectual level and so serve mostly to find self confirmation, because the person is identified with one's limited mind and knowledge. If the experiences go beyond the intellect and one describes these, then they are just symbols which are interpreted subjectively with fantasies or put into boxes like 'mysticism' etc. So I quest if there is any sense in talking about something which goes beyond one's intellect and personality. But I am going to do it anyway. If you followed my writing up to here, then you might as well read on...
One might 'believe' in something and then this is kept as a mental concept or image, more or less colored by emotions. This can be confirmed by people with similar concepts or images and so reinforcing the firmness of one's standpoint. This has nothing to do with experiences. Beliefs are concepts, there is nothing to argue with somebody who feels comfortable having beliefs. This is part of the survival system of the human species and worked well for quite some time. But evolution goes on and probably it is time now to go further than concepts and even further than the confirmation of experiences of limited fields of existence, going beyond to be able to expand into another level...  
The question is who wants this? These personality confirmation games give at least a kind of security because of the since long time established ways on all kind of daily experienced levels which goes together with the tradition of established beliefs and concepts and images. The painful suffering in one's daily life experience has its place and also the suffering of disease and any kind of personal problems. Reasons are mostly explained and the way of fighting against not wanted symptoms is well established. Any available force is used to fight for something or against something on all levels. Who has the power, and this is the main challenge in our society, will use this to reach the common goals and eliminate whatever is disturbing. All others strive into the same direction, although being the 'underdogs'. Finding the cause of a conflict, problem or disease and integrating ones search into one's growing process is seldom considered. The attitude of victim and conqueror never worked really well because the conqueror is never truly satisfied and so is wanting more and more and being satisfied by suffering is just the opposite extreme of the same measurement. There is no real satisfaction and no true happiness, there is just the  given margin in which people can move in known manners. 
"Fibromyalgia as a new disease sets a landmark where one only can pass by changing something profound and essential about one's perception." 
This new way is only accessible by going beyond established ways of thinking, leaving behind worn out behavior and with this parts of the so called personality. This new disease is forcing one to take self responsibility, leaving behind the established dependency to the system, which leaves no space for any kind of initiative or motivation beyond it's margin. With Fibromyalgia the medical system has no response, stating: "there is no cure". The system fails to give an answer. They do the same as always: Treating symptoms with chemicals, alternative or not, it doesn't make much difference, and then treating the side effects with other chemicals, etc. The card house of traditional medicine is near to collapse. With Fibromyalgia it will become clear. Cancer, Aids, Parkinson, Alzheimer were still sorted into the files of somehow known reasons and the promise to find cures were keeping people silent and in dependency, but with Fibromyalgia this ends.
There is a possibility to get out of the pain and suffering from Fibromyalgia, - this is valid for any kind of disease -, by taking self responsibility, questioning oneself and taking the initiative to heal oneself. This means to go a step beyond oneself and also beyond the established health system. This indeed is serious and for sure not every body is capable for it. The medical system should assist this process and the MD should be a helper, but society is obviously too far away from such an evolutionary step and so one must do first a clear cut, being aware that fighting in the old way and being in total dependency has to end.
This seems to me the only way to truly heal and so one is forced to do this step. It is a challenge which needs the preparation of what happened because with all those suffering... - most people with Fibromyalgia are not young. So they might be  prepared to confront the situation and themselves. One of the difficult aspects is that there is hardly any support from society, not even from family or friends. But this is part of the suffering and challenge and makes that one is pushed even stronger towards and beyond oneself. There is support available, one has to look for it, although one has to be very alert because most of the support offered is just confirming the old attitude. And then there is the severe difficulty because of the lack of energy caused by the disease. Here it starts that one has to keep one's remaining energy together and concentrate on what is essential and here it starts that one has to go beyond oneself to find a new source of energy.
What is the most important? If one is lost in one's pain then the  most important seems to get rid of the pain. But is the pain killer from the doctor's prescription  a solution? They argue that first you need to be free of pain, then you can look for a creative solution. Probably most will forget to ask any question once they have less pain. Indeed a difficult situation. I rejected all my life any kind of pain killer, so maybe this gives me a different position and even I had strong pain with the Fibromyalgia, I was always looking for a solution without taking pills.
Maybe the most significant was that I never felt like a victim and never got totally lost in my suffering and pain. There was and is always something within me that stays 'cool' and continues to observe, even in the darkest situation and in the strongest pain. That is also the reason why I don't fall into depressions. Even feeling really bad there is still an entity present within me which is aware of the situation and so I can pull myself out of it and then doing a creative step to find a solution. When holding this position, suffering and pain is less penetrating.
You might ask now how this is possible, how can this be done? There can't be  done much. It is the stage of a 'growing process' which in my case was furthered through many years of meditation. Coming to meditation is already a significant step in one's personal growing process. Who is not ready for it will not have the urge for meditation and probably will not continue with it once having started. So I am not going to convince anybody that 'meditation' is an essential part of a healing process, but there is no doubt about it: In fact it is. What meditation is I have described in another page. 
Update: Meditation many people are rejecting, but there is something they might be more open for: I have written a leaflet with information about it and a clear advice, so that every body can do it by oneself immediately, not needing to join any belief system or any seminar or personal advice. Go to: 'Stress Release Exercise'.
With Fibromyalgia I was pushed into a transformation process and one will probably come to the point, where - due to the permanent pain and fatigue and due to the feeling of being left alone - that nothing matters anymore and one only want to die. This state was not felt as something negative in my experience and indeed I believe it isn't. It is a necessary step in one's process of transformation. What of course doesn't mean that one should kill oneself. Of course NOT! Because this would only be the intention to escape from suffering and obviously wouldn't be a creative solution! Destroying what is causing one's problems is never a creative solution! - although this is common.
To follow the usual behavior of eliminating the so called cause (which indeed isn't) and in the individual case it would mean self-destruction as a last step of being a victim in an endless fight. The wish to die can be seen in it's feeling value as a positive transition, understanding that this is a step and from then on values might change and also the view. What seemed to be important until now, has lost it's significance. With this something new might show up and because of the lost position it creates space, - which might be seen as a opportunity for something new and better... And indeed this is inevitable: One can only create something new or something new only can happen, when starting with 'zero', one has to go through one's chaos, leaving one's identifications and properties behind... Probably this has to do with 'perception' and 'interpretation', to be capable for this one has to become 'clean' or 'empty' and this is only possible when going beyond one's until now so precious 'personality'. 

When one realizes that all the money gained in so many years of hard work doesn't help one to change anything about one's situation. Even spending a lot of money on doctors, clinics and treatments, it is becoming clearer with each day which passes, that nobody can give back one's health. One can't buy it for all the money saved. There is only one solution: A shift in one's awareness: Stepping out  of the old worn out way of thinking, stepping out of dependency and instead of this taking responsibility for oneself.

In a certain way this would be a step where one is 'new born' and an unknown field might open up... In one of these old books it is written: 'To be reborn one must die first...' What for sure doesn't mean that we need to leave our body behind. Our body is the field where we make our life experiences and in a good part, especially with Fibromyalgia, we are pushed to work on the other parts of our existence. I just can tell you and I don't know if it will help you: You can trust your inbuilt *growing* system, you don't need to worry about most of things you did until now. Ready to die one can go on into a process of healing in a much more open way than ever before. If one still worries, that shows that one trust not yet enough and still is holding on old images 'how it should be', so there might be a few steps more to go before real trust can happen. And also I can tell you: You are NOT alone! 
I can't do much more than just expressing what comes into my mind, because even though I'm recovered from Fibromyalgia,  I am still in a healing process myself and it leaves me with hardly any energy left. I hope that with this Web site there opens a space which gives opportunity for a creative exchange so that together we might gain 'a new sight in a brighter light'.

Back to daily reality: What can be done? How can one find one's way out of the labyrinth? How can one deal with one's personal chaos? Leaving all this used pseudo security behind, then what can give direction and something to hold on?

It is the trust in oneself, the trust that one is guided by one's own growing force. Trusting that whatever happens is a challenge and just the right thing, even if it seems unbearable and is unwanted. This *trust* gives the position to stay relaxed and more open in a certain way, at least being able to observe the situation more 'cool' as before when being absorbed into resistance. When being in a 'void', how can one make decisions, not knowing what to do and not having enough intellectual knowledge? Indeed a difficult situation and no wonder that people fall easily back into the old attitude to depend on authority. There is a way for orientation: One's *intuition*. In fact not possible to grasp on and not possible to be developed in the used manner by striving for a goal. Intuition can't be gained by some technique. Intuition opens up by itself as the result in one's growing process. There can't be done much about it, it is the result of a new attitude towards life!
What indeed furthers one's intuition is meditation (and the same SRE) and this is not really a 'doing' this is more a 'being', what means it is the result of one's state of being.

When  I am trying now to observe my emotions, I realize that to do so I have to clear up first my 'vital energy', what means that my energy management has to be optimized. This for sure will also serve and further my healing process, so I will look into this:

  • Being aware that we are all trapped - more or less - in every aspects of life, in social concepts that are mainly ruled by materialistic values.
  • Being aware that we are wasting good part of our energy by being attracted and following what is offered around us. From common goals in general to daily behavior, alimentation and entertainment, people we deal with and to places we are going. We need to realize that we are manipulated in our decisions by people with materialistic interests and we need to make a clear cut to be able for choices that benefit ones wellbeing and growing.    
  • As a consequence I decided to quit watching TV. Since quite some time I can see that watching TV is wasting time. Not only this: It is indeed messing up one's energy. The abundance of violence and triviality is sucking, much more than we are aware of. I am specially interested in this medium because I believe it has or could have an important impact on consciousness of humanity and I would like to make an input there but until now I had no opportunity. There is so much junk offered and even the few good programs and movies are not worth the effort, when one got hooked up and watches others which are worth nothing.

    Within the Internet I have suspended all my activities in news groups and in most mailing lists and  I will only continue at the moment with the health project and my Web site. I tried again with Yahoo and Google groups, but after only a few posts I gave up, there was no positive response. People only feel offended and a creative exchange seems not possible. You can read my posts: "What do we sweep under the rug?", "Immune System and Personality" and my "Response to a Comment".

    Within a healing or growing process a lot of movement seems to be part of it. At least that I can say from my own process: During the last days there were coming up many thoughts and feelings, some on a personal level and others going beyond this, not to talk about the many things happening on the outside...

    It is obvious that humanity seen as a whole is sick. It is not necessary to remember that there has been no peace for many centuries and that there is such a discrepancy on this planet: Many are living in abundance and are sick because of this and many millions of others are dying because they don't have the minimum to fulfill their vital needs. There are many signs which make it obvious that humanity is sick and destroying itself, it would fill a book.
    I try to understand the many reactions which happen on different levels of this planet with all different countries and which could maybe seen as 'healing reactions'. These happenings are mostly violent and causing enormous suffering. But also I can see that on the global level diseases of humanity are treated in the same way as it is done on the personal level by medical treatment and the attitude is the same. As long as disease is seen as something bad which has to be eliminated, as long this can not be a creative process. Then it is just not possible to find a creative conflict resolution. What surprises me is, that although the knowledge is there, because there are enough wise men on this planet, obviously this knowledge is not used by people and not by 'world leaders'. (In fact this does not surprise me because 'leaders' are nothing more or less than the representation of the mass behind them, so how they could be different? What they do for sure they do with their best intention, but they are so convinced that this is the only way, that they don't doubt this and ask for an alternative way. So the best knowledge and the wisest advice stays unused. In any kind of politics, on local, country or world level, problems are still treated like always: By fighting against the problems, trying to eliminate them, not being able to see these problems as part of a growing process and understanding that what ever problem shows up, that this is a reaction, provoked by the own system and that this can be used to understand the problem by going beyond... and then being able to find a creative solution. This will for sure cause changes within the system and this is actually not wanted. All systems tend to keep their momentary state. There can't be any creativity or openness. But the system is constantly provoked, from outside and inside and therefor is reacting. Yes, the defense is always strong and will reject any influence which does not confirm the system. But the violence which is used for defense is causing a lot of suffering and probably this is triggering reflection on the individual level and is furthering changes of the suffering individual and this will create changes on the next level, with one's partner, within one's family, in one's local community and then further on country and global level. It seems there is a long way to go for humanity...

    One week more and I will have completed three months of 'Sun gazing'. There were only three or four days during this time when there was no sun shine, all the other days I did it and sometimes twice a day. It felt best immediately after sun rise and the minutes before the sun went down. Then the sun is soft and doesn't hurt. I did it sitting on a chair or standing and I have my favorite places for it. In the evening I go to the top of the hill...   

    At this moment I have nothing more to say than: 
    I am recovered from Fibromyalgia! (More in details at: Epilog...)
    (Update 6.4.12: This was written seven years ago and since then no symptoms have been coming back!)

    My comment: I would appreciate if you give me a feedback. Nearly all visitors of my Web site are going to my health pages and hardly any body is giving a feedback. I can only presume, that people are looking for a quick cure and as I am not offering this, so they leave disappointed. At this page I have tried to talk about more creative and essential ways how to relate to ones disease and I would like to know from the 4.000 visitors who come every day to my health pages, if there is some one who get something out of it that is more than a 'pill' can give. 
    As the summery of my personal growing and healing process, I have written the following and I want to share it with all who are suffering from a disease and looking for a creative way to get out of this: 
    What is Disease really? How can one *Heal Oneself*?
    I am convinced that this is the most important writing of all I have done until now. I see it as the *key* to heal oneself! This is offered from all my heart to all who suffer...

    Alimentation    What I have done    FalconBlanco home    remark    'Must Read' for all visitors of my health pages! 
    Note: You can investigate about everything yourself, but before you start with a treatment, a cleansing, fasting or whatever, you should consult a health professional - 
    I can't give any advice. Read the "Medical Disclaimer" 

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