Ego     . . .
 
    Blenda: During all those mental gymnastics, I learned from BeiYin how to stay focused on the purpose and the moment. It's a difficult task to stay out of ego when confronted. All relates to fear, I guess, and what we think the other person thinks of us. 
    BeiYin: People are striving for goals, consciously chosen or unconsciously, therefore it is not of much interest for them what happens in the moment, only if it seems to serve their goal. By saying: 'staying out of ego' ego is created as an idea, a self image, but in reality it doesn't exist. It is fiction. It is the idea of a position or the urge towards a goal and the identification with it. If we would be able to drop those ideas, 'ego' would disappear. In deed difficult because there is fear of letting go. Fear is the reaction of the created system, a natural way to defend the identity of this system, it is an energy phenomena which only exist because of this. But of course it is ruled or should be ruled by the individual. That happens more and more if one stays focused on the moment. By relating to that what shows up right now, from outside (through provocation) and from inside (through reactions). We need our mind and it serves to go beyond if the brain is in good condition and well trained, but of course we will not be able to receive information to go beyond, because our brain is ruled by our emotions. We are identified with our properties and so must defend them. It seems to be impossible to break through this closed circle of identification, looking for confirmation of it, defending it with all means, re forcing it by all those games and trips and so not being able and not wanting any information to leave this. Suffering by all this and longing somehow to get out of it. There is nothing to do about it unless the individual gets tired of those common "life games" and starts to ask questions. Those questions still will search for confirmation and it might be a long way to go until an information can be received to loosen up one's rigid structure. That's what I am trying and I am not surprised that there is hardly any response. So it means something to me, that at least once in a while somebody gives a feedback like you, that I can recognize that my call is heard... 
    Blenda: What you said is exactly what the concept of ego means to me. It exists from the first time, as an infant, that we receive a smile or praise for 'fitting into the mold' that our parents and society has prescribed for us. It starts when the pink dress goes on after birth. 'I am female... therefore such and such is expected of me.' The sense of who we are supposed to be begins. The goal setting begins. So by the time we are toddlers, we have lost sight of soul and moment. As long as we are kept busy, we just continue on, becoming more and more confused about who we are, but we become numb to it, because we are surrounded by it... judgments and expectations. If we fit the mold, we are loved and praised. If we don't, we begin the long descent into darkness. I always marched to my own drum as a child. I was reprimanded, and the things that I loved to do were taken away from me. My ability to create was finally snuffed out. I came to believe that I couldn't create. Therefore, my only path was to try to fit the mold, the goals, the ideas, the ego creation. By the time I was 18, I started feeling disconnected and developed a deep longing for something lost. I had no idea what it was. I endured long bouts of sadness and a feeling of being all alone, not knowing that it was the beginning of finding myself.
    BeiYin: It was not clear to me from your message what was meant by 'trust'. You wrote that you thought that you could trust, but then you got in a 'spiritual crisis' and could only survive through your mind. You wrote also that the world is in a disastrous state and that healing action is required.
    I can understand you, but I don't know if I can say anything which might help you. I only can try to tell you how I used to deal with it when I went through the same. 
    Why do you feel sad and desperate? Is it because the world is like it is? I guess not. You feel like this because the world is not how you would like things to be. You have an image how it should or could be. Right? And you are probably pretty identified with this wish. So then reality shows up and tells you that you can't get what you want and this reduces your identification or let me use the word 'EGO'. 
    What you indeed see and this is a 'vision', are the possibilities. Latent ways of a new, open and creative life. This is an urge which comes from inside: to go beyond limitations, cages, boxes and also identifications. The dilemma is that you make the 'vision' to your own, because it makes you feel good. Then you try to manifest your vision, to bring it down into daily life. Then you are confronted with daily reality: the conditions of human nature, the restrictions, the limitations resulting from holding on, defending etc. all those multiples, dirty and tricky ways to survive... The fight against all this still gives energy and by overcoming obstacles confirmation is given to go on. In all this your 'personality' not only is re forced but also the individual growth. And then comes the moment, when 'EGO' should be reduced, but this is not possible through a method, only life by itself can do it. So you are suffering and you are frustrated. You might be confused and are looking for new ways to survive, looking for new concepts, etc. Then finely you might come into the position to step aside of your reactions (of your mind and your emotions) and recognize what it is all about. Then indeed you might be open for information. But this shouldn't be to survive into your mind. You can use your mind as a tool but you are not that identified with it any more. So then there might open up something new. But this is not another aspect of your personality and you can't make it to your 'own', because this is something which goes 'beyond'. I am not going to talk more about it because this you will experience yourself, every thing else is theory and material to make a new concept out of it, but this is more food for brains and I am not going to join these games...
    From my other posts you know that I am trying since more than thirty years to realize a 'vision'. I have seen since quite a while that a 'vision' works like a carrot for a donkey (The picture of someone riding a donkey holding with a stick and a string a carrot in front of the nose of the donkey). The carrot makes the donkey move but he will never reach the carrot... This poster of a donkey I have seen twenty years ago in a metro in London and it was like a flash and I did understand many things...
    So what can we do? Running like a silly donkey after an imaginary carrot? That's what most of people are doing and it looks like that nothing can stop them from doing it. So I think there is no way to do something to 'heal the world' by doing. Because then we are joining the old games of concepts and these are mostly connected with power games, Egos, groups or systems.
    So what? Frankly: I don't know. I dropped all 'visions', most of my expectations and I have no big plans anymore. I am just responding to that what shows up in my daily life. I do as good as I can with all my possibilities and forces given to me, but I can't do more and I have given away the responsibility for the result of the continuation of the doing which still results from my 'vision'. I know what I don't want and I will not make any compromise. What means for example that I will not offer something which attracts people like concepts which then give sense to their life, etc. It needs a very few people to go on with Falcon Blanco, well, these are not just people, you know what I mean. If these 'people' exist, then they will show up, if not I will take the consequences and drop the carrot. I might not be able to do so until the donkey breaks down, but maybe this doesn't really matter. I was lucky enough to be able to go forward even without carrot and so I could enjoy quite a few things on my way... and I still do. More and more. 
    Blenda: Your post was very to-the-point, covering many issues about ego and visions. For me, I can't call something a vision if it is manifested within ego and thought. For me, a vision comes from within, where we already have the answers if we will only stay out of fear and listen to the light and the love.
    BeiYin: Yes, the vision I was talking about comes from within, this is a state of being and so a kind of answer. That's right: fear will disturb the vision, but as we know, fear is a reaction from the system which is trying to hold on the old structure.
    Blenda: The world may be in a precarious state, but to descend into a state of mind and ego, may perpetuate that consciousness. If each of us stays centered and true, it impacts all around us a creates a kind of harmony, if only for a moment. Harmony is timeless, so what does it matter if that state only lasts for a brief amount of time? That moment is precious.
    BeiYin: It is obvious to me that you are talking out of personal experience, so this is precious for you because you have been in a state of truth. You are trying to stay there or get it back, but this must fail, which also shows your experience. So you will understand when I say that "staying centered and true" and with this trying to find harmony, is a concept which must fail on the long run. It seems to work because it protects you somehow and gives you a kind of frame and discipline, but because of this it creates structure and so keeps you conditioned.
    Blenda: I have created long periods of unstructured time in my life, to be able to listen and reconnect with myself and others. It is wonderful and fills me with joy. Gone are the goals... it's all bullshit.
    BeiYin: Maybe it is just a question of choosing words, but I don't think it is possible to "create unstructured time in one's life". This only can happen. Probably as a result of a transformation process and within this the experience of oasis of truth, giving joy... As I wrote before: the goals are important to motivate and so to move on, but you are also right by saying that they are 'bullshit'. 
    Blenda: I am taking tiny steps to stay within, to stay real, in an unreal world. Out of thought, into feeling. Your words always have a way of connecting with what I'm doing and helping me to stay, not stray. I thank you for your words. You came here when I needed it the most. More love and less fear. There is nothing to fear, no one can harm me.
    BeiYin: Yes, the only thing we might do, is to be true to ourselves and relate with responsibility to whatever shows up. This will transform what is unreal into what is real. Indeed there are no steps to take, there is no place 'within' and thoughts and also feelings are reactions of the individual system, precious for the one to whom they belong, as they represent the medium to make growth possible. Also provoking chain reactions in other people and so influencing and eventually transforming. And through this, what I believe is the only way, changing ourselves and the world for real. 
     Blenda: When I sat down to answer your last comments, I had many feelings about where I am and where I'm going. The fact that I was unable to spontaneously write my thoughts about those feelings told me this: that when I cut through all the fancy words and intellectualization, I had no idea how to express myself. I felt bewildered and stuck and that felt OK. It was a moment of self truth. I don't have a clue where I'm going. I'm ready to listen and I'm ready to learn. But as I strip away some of the defenses, I'm not sure that I connect with what is beneath. I need to hear something from you. I am not sure that I am being clear, but I want to know, where do I start.
    BeiYin: I don't know what else to answer, I think I have said everything to respond in such a situation. 
    Blenda: You speak with clarity and wisdom; I feel that I am in so much darkness. I'm not seeking a cure or a band aid, I am seeking some directions that will point me somewhere, because I am lost at the moment. I am asking for a response, to share with me what you wish. I need your honesty.
    BeiYin: OK, I will try: First let me say that I don't feel that I am in possession of 'wisdom' not even much 'clarity'. To be honest: I feel as well totally lost. The only difference might be, that I am not seeking anymore for some direction. I am just responding to what shows up in this very moment. For this I take responsibility but for nothing else. So that doesn't make that I feel totally free but at least I can deal somehow with the many things which come to me. I am trying to decide to select and this is indeed difficult and makes that I am overstrained. The fact that nothing works: Computer crashes, programs failing, people are not responding, people who are showing up here in the place are not of any help, just turning around their own needs, etc. So as a result everything is pretty messed up, the chaos is getting worse every day and I am getting sucked into it and not being able to deal with all. So I just do what is the most important for me, that means where my responsibility demands it, like taking care of my animals and of people. In a few days there will come for a visit a lady from Saudi Arabia, she is American and a nurse and one of the very few people from the Internet who is interested in FB. She finished her job now. It would be very important to clean up the place otherwise she will get a shock and return immediately to the USA. I feel like an ante in front of a mountain to carry away. Laura said yesterday: There is so much work to do, I don't know where to start... So the result is, that nothing is be done. (I can't blame her for that). So I could say that I feel pretty lost in this chaos. But at the same time I can say that I am quiet about it and that I have the trust that if there comes the right person to maybe be part of the 'FB-team' then she will be able to look through and see the potential which is behind the mess. I guess this will not give you any hint for taking a direction but I only can repeat what I have said many times before: The direction lays in responding to that what shows up in this moment. There comes a poem in my mind which I wrote a few years ago: "The pathless path". I wrote it in Spanish and the various intents of people failed to translate it. I have translated it into German "Der weglose Weg", maybe soon my English has grown enough to translate it... 
[Remark: written about 1993, meanwhile things have changed a bit...]
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