Depression, an effective way of 'Self confirmation'? 
Comments to a message from a desperate, little and great lady

Question: Thank you for your words on that last message. I cracked a smile when you said that you see something in me that you haven't seen in a long time. What exactly is that?
BeiYin: I see intensity in you and the urge and ability to express yourself. This is something which doesn't show very often in people and for sure not when in your age.
Question: Also, why would taking those tranquilizers called 'anti-depressants' be not so great in the long run?
BeiYin: Taking those tranquilizers makes you numb and will turn you into  a zombie, not so different from normal people, but you are not yet like this. Taking tranquilizer you will loose your ability to question your situation, yourself and every thing else. You will loose your ability to express yourself. That you are depressed shows that there are needs which are not completed. This creates the urge to go for it and to find out about it. With tranquilizer this is cut. A similar effect happens with alcohol and tobacco, not to mention the damaging side effects. There are other ways to deal with your depression, find out about it. I will try to help you in this, but you need to take self responsibility and do your best.
Comment: Well I'm sad to say that I'm still in my dear, deep, black bubble, in which I can't escape out of. I know you say that you are there for me, but it's a bit difficult when you are thousands of miles away.
BeiYin: 'Sadness' is part of being depressed. Right? You say that you are sad that you are still in your 'black bubble'. So you are producing sadness and reforcing your depression with it. You are in a game with yourself! Which shows pretty clear when you say that your 'black bubble' is "dear" to you. You can't get out of it, because you don't want to get out of it. You are holding on your condition, you are identified with it. It gives you the feeling of existence: suffering and feeling bad and sad, but that's what you are and somehow 'better than nothing'. Can you see this? You want to get out of your depressions? Really? What have you done about it? Have you done what I told you in my previous messages? What have you done? What about your eating habits? Have you reduced your overweight? By not doing what I have suggested, you demonstrate that you not really want to change something about your condition. Right?
Comment: I know you say that you are there for me, but it's a bit difficult when you are thousands of miles away.
BeiYin: Distance is no excuse to do something about your condition. If you have difficulties with doing the 'Stress Release Exercise', then you can send me an email and if I'm at the computer then within a few minutes you have the answer, faster than if I would live in your neighborhood. Right?
What is difficult about it? Don't put the fault on the 'distance'. It doesn't really matter if there is a space of thousands of miles between us or just one step. You need to take the first step. You are the one who needs to realize within yourself what can be done, don't look for reasons not to be able for it on the outside. I suggested already that you do the 'Stress Release Exercise. It is obvious that you suffer from a lot of Stress, so the exercise would help you, apart of other positive aspects. But you need to do it!
I'm not your father or your boss who is checking if you do what you are told, you are responsible for yourself, it is in your interest to do what feels right and you know about it and you are able to be aware of it. Be aware when you are avoiding what could get you out of your established condition of being depressed and then do the step: In this moment make the decision that you don't want this and then do the step to go out opf this worn out condition and then you be be beyond it! Yeh, probably in a frightening new space, but you can have trust in yourself: you exist! So what can happen? What can you loose? You have the ability of an explorer, so go for it...
Comment: I really honestly think that there is no point to my life, but yet it would be selfish to kill myself.
BeiYin: My dear, frankly: Isn't this pretty much pathetic? It sounds like those phrases written in 50 cent novels house wives are reading between theyr free minutes during daily work. I can't believe that this is really yours...
Comment: Everything for me is going wrong, and has been going wrong for a very long time. When I try to accomplish something, I try to be optimistic and believe in myself that I can do it, but I end up failing and crying in my dark, cold, depressing room, hating myself.
BeiYin: You say: 'Very long time', how long is this? Can't be that long as you are only 14 years old: Ok, meanwhile you are probably 15, because our exchange is lasting about half a year... Well, we know that 'time' is something subjective and if you are stuck in a situation then it seems to be very long although comparing with other situations it is very short. Looking at myself at my situation: Since thirty years I'm 'stuck' with this FalconBlanco, trying to realize my vision. Several times I came to the point when I questioned the whole thing and wanted to give up, but then going on and on in spite of all the obstacles and difficulties. Now I can see clear that it is not the goal which needs to be reached, it is the road one walks and all what one can learn while walking. Then there comes the moment when the goal is loosing its importance and just the walking and the relating and responding towards whatever shows up, is the most important and essential. Like responding to your letter, what probably will not help in the goal of FalconBlanco, but meanwhile has become the goal of it.
Comment: I'm sorry that all my messages are negative connotations, but I can't help it.
BeiYin: I couldn't find the word "connotation" in my dictionaries, so I searched the Internet. I found:
1.) a : the suggesting of a meaning by a word apart from the thing it explicitly names or describes b : something suggested by a word or thing : IMPLICATION <the connotations of comfort that surrounded that old chair>
2.) : the signification of something <that abuse of logic which consists in moving counters about as if they were known entities with a fixed connotation>
3.) : an essential property or group of properties of a thing named by a term in logic
For sure a good explanation, but for me far too high pitched. You known, I'm pretty simple minded and I believe it is possible to say things, even when profound, in a simple way. So I will respond out of my interpretation: Your messages are not at all 'negative' for me, in contrary: they are positive. The fact that you express yourself is already quite positive. The way you do it comes out of your established limited condition, but at the same time you are provoking, wanting an answer, not just to be confirmed in your self image, but to get a response which might show you the way out.
Comment: What is life without happiness. Nothing fits me,  nothings suits me. I don't know where my happiness is hiding; she ran away from me and never came back, and I don't believe she will. I'm at the point where I'm almost out of optimism. Too many times I have tried to be positive and believe in myself, but I always fail. Nothing makes me happy, no one makes me happy. My life should end. What is the point in my life. I help others, want to go to college, but everything and everyone is not giving me the opportunity to do so.
BeiYin: My dear, I repeat: You have several exceptional gifts, one is that you can express yourself and as far I remember, I suggested already that you should write poetry or a diary. A real good poet has to go through a lot of suffering, but the writing helps and inspires. This is a good creative road one can walk and joy and happiness will come out of it. Your last sentences are nearly a poem, it just needs some editing. For example:

Out of my dear, deep, black bubble...

What is life without happiness?
Nothing fits me
nothing suits me
sadness is overwhelming me...

I don't know where happiness is hiding
My muse has left me
when she will come back?
I don't believe she will.

What is the point in my life?
Nothing makes me happy
no one makes me happy
my life should end.

***
Reading my own poem
I recognize: How could I be so blind?
My muse has never left me
she always has been near to me.

I'm the one who stood in the way
playing a pathetic game with myself
Seeing it, the black bubble explodes!
I'm out! Inspired flying to new horizons...

You see: I nearly used only your words... and by the way: I haven't written any poetry for quite some time; now I feel inspired to start again. So thank you!
Comment: Thank you BeiYin. I'm sorry for wasting your oh so valuable time on a stupid silly little girl. Just thought I let you know...
BeiYin: It should be clear by now, that I don't see it as wasting my time to write to you, unless you reject totally what is said and even I do my best that you don't use it in your 'confirmation games', you still manage to do so. For sure I'm not going to confirm you in any way in your 'dear' self image of being a 'stupid, silly little girl'. You are not stupid, not silly and the fact that you are 15 years old doesn't make you little. I can't say that you are great, but I can say that I am absolutely convinced that you will be... It's up to you and the fact that you will go on will make you 'great'...
The most important and essential hint I can give you how to get out of your condition and this is based on my life long experience, is the advice to do the 'Stress Release Exercise'. Your intention to help others shows your idealistic side, so the necessary first step is that you help yourself and then you will be effective in helping others. Starting with yourself you also are starting a positive 'chain reaction'.

FalconBlanco home health page  BeiYin's Poetry page  index Ask BeiYin  form for feedback & questions