I
am using this space to express my thoughts and feelings. This might be
related to the Internet or not. These are my expressions, that means it
might not confirm your thoughts and feelings, it might even be in contrary
of your personal opinion.
Words
are a vehicle for energy, they are used in the same way as an artist is
using paint, stones or wood. Sometimes the painting might be too big for
your taste or there are colors you don't like, so try to take some distance
and watch in a less personal way. There might be too many words, so if
you don't feel good about it, better go to haiku
or to 'poems'.
I wish
that you enjoy my writings and not get angry! The best would be, to read
my comments like letters from a friend, if you want to answer me, do so,
send me your thoughts, express your feelings! Being here on this planet
we are human and we should use the Internet as a possibility to connect,
to communicate, to learn and to 'come together'. And we should do it in
a 'creative' way by 'relating' to each other and to what ever shows up.
That I believe, might be called 'Art of Living', - or at least it is an
inevitable step towards it.
When I just found out, that "awards" in the
Internet are another (tricky) way to get attention and so to rise the number
of visitors, I deleted all I had received until now. Honesty would be a
good start to transform the Internet (and the world - and of course ourselves).
Indeed the only way is to start with oneself. I agree that it is difficult
to be seen within the mass of web sites, so advertising and making publicity
for one's own page with all means seems to be the only solution. I am just
a beginner in the Net and I don't know what really goes on, but I have
the impression, (after some frustration confronting reality) that the Net
is not different from life in daily social circumstances. People are expressing
themselves, that's an important part of each one's personal life. It seems
to me to be necessary to look at the background of this: Self expression
gives identification. It makes us feel ourselves. If people react
on our expression, we will react on this and feel good or bad, in any case
we feel ourselves. If there is no response, we easily fall into 'nothingness'
and this is worse than to feel bad. There is a solution and I have written
a lot about it. In a way, all what I am writing is around this.
I have just
removed the 'Esoteric Banner exchange' from my site and as well the web
rings. If 'esoteric' has to do with satanism, black magic and things like
this, I don't want to support it. And also I don't want to feed dreams
and beautiful images... If 'spiritual' means to have some angels on one's
home page, (I mean those little fat guys with wings or those beautiful
none sexy images with clapping wings), then I prefer to be with an empty
space around me or just the birds in the trees in front of my door. To
deal with reality sometimes is pretty hard, I will go on in my way and
I guess, that somewhere on this planet there are human beings who think,
feel and act like I do and due to the wonderful possibility of the Internet
they sometimes give a sign of their existence, so that's enough not to
feel too lonely... (what doesn't mean that I am searching for confirmation
of my existence etc. That seems the main reason for most of the Internet
user...) and so being animated to go on. Our walk seems to be a long one
through desert and jungle...
This morning I ask myself: Is this real?
Is the Internet and all what goes on real? I had the illusion that
something practical could come out of it. I am working now about one year
in the Net (about four months in WWW), I worked pretty intense and spend
many hours, many nights on it. But up to this moment absolutely nothing
real came out of it. OK, the difficulty is that I am selling nothing. The
businessmen on the Net might get something real on their account, well
not really real because there is just a number with more or less zeros.
(And
as by now it is known: Most money is just fake money which serves in the
first place to manipulate people as there is no real value behind...)
But that's not the kind of reality I am asking for. I thought there could
be real communication, that it would be possible to meet some 'like minded
people'... And then that there could come out something practical, touchable.
The thing is that I have build a place in the country side and there is
space (and food) for about 20 people, so it could be a 'center' but now
it is just because the 'center' is there where I am. I thought that I would
meet people on the Net who might be interested to live here... But nothing.
My home page was visited up to this moment more than 4.500 times. (And
now after several years there are near to 3.000 visitors daily, but nothing
has changed: There are hardly any response...) Do
you think that there was anybody who has given a feedback? It looks to
me, that the Internet is like an 'electronic astral plane' (which includes
the mental and emotional plane) there is hardly anything, other than fantasies,
ideas, visions, dreams, intellectual games, etc. and everything expressed
turns around these mental and emotional stuff, which 'naturally'
turns in the first place around oneself, what means: around one's precious
personality. It seems that there is nothing 'grounded', nothing 'connected',
nothing real, nothing touchable, when it comes to realization of those
beautiful visions, then all fails. Isn't there anybody who is at least
trying to realize something? I mean on a daily life level. I don't know.
When it comes to something concrete people are disappearing. As I have
written many times in my comments in NGs: People are looking for confirmation
of their personal structure, their 'personality' and in the Net they are
doing it by expressing themselves and reacting on expressions of others,
so there is a mutual exchange and that seems to be enough. It looks like
that this is the only sense of the Internet at the moment. 'Becoming aware,
conscious or to grow' is a subject for talking, yes, but is there more?
Well,
I have to make a decision, I will not go on another twenty years holding
tight my illusion and then break down to die in despair. No, I enjoyed
the past time even being very often frustrated by reality, I haven't gotten
bitter, this is transformed into something creative, sometimes because
of its bitter reason, getting a satiric touch, but now there is the moment
to make a decision. I was patient for the last few years and did let things
happen, but as nothing happened I have to make it happen. I better drop
the nice idea of an Eco-Village-Community and go on with something more
concrete and what I can realize without depending on other people. Or not?
This morning I found an email asking me to
join a ritual to light a candle in my window for Tibet. Apart of that I
can't put a candle in my window because I am living in a kind of cave and
there is no window, I don't believe that there is any sense in a ritual
like this, apart of the emotional satisfaction someone could get out of
it. Well, it's a nice idea to know that in 38 cities there are thousands
of people putting a candle into the window, (this has happened many times
before), but does it change anything of the situation in Tibet? Yes, it
is a desperate situation and the Daila Lama must feel pretty helpless (even
he keeps a big smile on his face), so he is thinking about how to get attention
from the world. That's his job and he is trying his best. But will this
change anything of the reality of his occupied country? There are thousands
of other reasons in this world to put a candle into the window, just that
most of the other desperate situations don't have a 'Daila Lama' to call
for a ritual. "We can't do anything, but at least we can put a candle and
so demonstrate that we are aware of the situation," might say someone.
Right, but then we must be aware of the whole situation of this world and
not just in Tibet. We must be aware what the situation is all over the
place which naturally includes our own home and our own personality. Can
we do nothing? Of course we can: We start with ourselves, our own individual
structure, there we can begin to change, but not through manipulation...
I have written a lot about it. I am offering a key to make this changes
happen on a daily personal level. Guess how many people are interested...
The fact is, that people don't want that their structure changes, they
are defending themselves with all means and so they are ignoring what could
help to change something in a creative way. What people want is that the
world changes and other people, but not themselves. All must change in
the way of there own image of the world, people are fighting for their
image and giving all their energy and by using their energy they feel themselves...
it is a very narrow circle, pretty closed up and so my writing must be
without echo... So my opinion is that if somebody wants to help to change
the world situation, best to start with one's own structure, a 'candle
in the window' might not hinder to do so, but a ritual stands for something
what should be done better on a practical daily life level. This includes
daily meditation: Each of us IS the candle. We are the light! It is a process
and through my experience I can say: Meditation helps a lot and is maybe
the most important what someone can 'do', not as a method but as an attitude:
A way to relate to life. If there is a question about it, don't hesitate
to ask me...
There are many people who 'enjoy' being angry
etc. so they get their self identification out of this, while other people
do so by enjoying life. I think it is a matter of switching from one aspect
to the other. To be able to 'switch' might be the result of a pretty long
life process... Well, to do so it is necessary to understand what goes
on and to 'see' the identification with reactions like thoughts and emotions.
So the creative way is not to suppress negative thoughts and feelings but
to grow into self knowledge. There is a lot of talking going on about this
subject in NGs and in mailing lists... Too many words... If there
are some people who would like to talk with me under the 'big fig tree'
in front of my cave, then we could maybe get something creative out of
it. The most important in such a talk would be probably the silence which
we could allow to participate... You are invited. At least 'silence' we
can have every where, with fig tree or without it. The silence from outside
will meet the silence coming from inside. Well, we might then realize that
there is no split between outside and inside... This might be called 'meditation'.
When I read those many words all over the place, including my own, then
I remember a little story:
There
was a teacher with a group of disciples in a class room. Just when the
teacher started to talk, there came a little bird and sat in the open window
and then started singing. They all were listening
in silence...
until the bird left. The teacher said: "And this was the lesson for today."
I like this story and I wish there would be some listening to little singing
birds in the Internet apart of all those intelligent talking going on...
I have written a poem some time ago which is similar to this story. If
you understand German or Spanish, have a look into the German or Spanish
part of my home page, the title is: "The pathless Path".
Today
I made a decision. I was chewing on this the last four years and had tried
not to come to this inevitable result, but suddenly it made 'click' and
I saw the 'reality' that clear, that there was no way to hide anymore behind
the old worn out dream. So I had just to inform the community in which
I am living about my decision. I didn't know how to tell them because this
was interfering into their hopes and dreams. So I sat down and meditated,
then I got up and went to the gathering. There I sat down and didn't yet
know how to say it. Then my mouth opened by itself and out came what I
had to say. I was listening to myself, it was good to hear it, it was creative
and opened my eyes to new horizons. It couldn't have been different, there
must have been that long time of suffering and stress to build up the moment
when finally the decision was made. Including the last two weeks when I
got sick, were part of the process. What will be tomorrow I don't know.
I just will go on, doing what the moment asks me to do. Responding to whatever
happens inside or outside. Now I remember something I heard many years
ago: Martin Luther, (the protestant at 15th century) said once: "If I would
know that tomorrow the world ends, I still would plant a tree today".
This morning I felt sad.
- So I went for an early walk with my dogs. When I came home, the sun was
just arising upon the hills. There was a small stripe of bright yellow
light under a dark cloud. Suddenly the air was filled with sparkling golden
drops of rain. And as I came near to the buildings, a huge rainbow appeared
just above 'Falcon Blanco'. A complete bow, from one side to the other,
with so bright colors like I never have seen before. My sadness was completely
gone, there was just peaceful silence.
A new chapter must be opened or the book
must be closed. In other words: I will drop the whole Internet intent if
I don't find a new way to go on. This morning I saw an image in my mind:
I went by car into the mountains. The road was blocked by a huge rock.
No way to go around. So what would be the possible steps to go on?
1.) To
stay relaxed.
2.) Investigate
what really there is.
3.) What
tools are there?
4.) If
I want to go on and can't go around the rock, which possibilities are to
move the obstacle?
5.) What
is the base of the rock or what blocks to go on in a creative way?
6.) Do
I have the tools to dig the ground to make the rock move?
7.) If
there is no way, because there are not enough tools or I am not strong
enough, I should sit down, meditating and enjoying the landscape. So it
might be that there are other people going into the same direction with
a similar intention. They might have better tools, more experience and
together we could move the obstacle... Well, this was the picture. I will
find out how this can be used on a practical level to go on in the Internet...
Not only
in the Internet, - also in daily life, specially when I look at the situation
I am living with people around me. What happens is that they have forgotten
where they want to go or they never know. They come to the obstacle and
they get lost in children games. So there is no motivation and no energy
to do something together to go beyond...
The problem
is that people are that self sufficient playing their games, so there is
no need to get out of it. They are suffering, yes, but they are not capable
to use their frustration in a creative way. They all hide behind a mask,
pretending to be a certain personality...
Mailing
lists and news groups are an example for this. People are very clever in
hiding themselves. There is no honesty: Nobody is showing him/herself.
There is no expression of feelings. There is no caring for each other.
No real sharing. There is no love. So how can people develop anything if
they don't dare to relate?
No discussion, no chat, it seems everything is calming down. Or it is just
the silence before a new fresh wind comes...
I believe it is necessary to earthen oneself from time to time. A good
way is to work with earth, wood or stones. Now I am building an inipi,
that is a 'sweat lodge' like the natives have. I am building it with branches
from pine trees, canvas, seaweed and clay. Mostly I am working alone, so
it needs some time. Maybe you want to come to give me a helping hand? It
is not work, it is fun, so you are welcome to join.
PS: Meanwhile
there were two sweat lodges celebrated. The first was guided by 'Marruhe'
a shaman lady from Chile, who did it very beautifully (tradition Indios
Mapuches), although it was different from the sweat lodge in which I participated
about eight years ago with native americans in Salt Lake City, the Lacota
tribe, I am keeping still a good feeling about it and the chief Sonny and
the young shaman José are still present in my heart... (This is
ten years ago and I lost their address. Is there someone reading this and
knows them?)
Well, I was working all alone for two weeks
and then out of the open sky came a young globe trotter who wanted to stay
for a few days in 'Falcon Blanco'. Now he is here for several weeks and
helping me with plants and also to finish the 'sweat lodge'. We replanted
and planted a lot of flowers, cactus and trees. To build the sweat lodge
was quite some effort but working together with someone else who likes
this kind of doing is a pleasure...
Since about half a year I haven't
written anything in this 'diary'. - I had started the 'Liberty beckons'
mailing list and had put quite some energy into it. The same with other
mailing lists I had subscribed and also a number of news groups. Now after
one year I have dropped all lists and also the news groups. That there
was always very little response did not disturb me too much and I went
on writing. But then slowly I got the feeling that I was totally ignored,
so there seems to be no sense to go on. I wanted to concentrate on my mailing
list and be more active there, but when to my posts there was not even
one response, it seemed to be clear that I still had illusions about it
and that I better should see that people are not really interested. At
least not being active. So I quit this list as well.
This morning I wake up to realize that a
part of me was sleeping the last few months. I was going on with my daily
work and there seemed to be no difference, - but I was getting more and
more tired and my 'battery' seemed to have lost the capability to be charged.
When a television team came to make an interview with me, I got stuck in
front of the camera expressing myself. I just lost the opportunity to say
something essential.
About thirty years ago when
listening to a radio program during my work, I was deeply impressed by
an insignificant happening: After the opening speech to the olympic games
in Munich a girl appeared at the microphone and started to speak: "People
of the world..." then she was taken away by the police. I don't know if
it was the intensity of her voice, cut off by brutal force or was it that
I felt her intense intention to express something which must have been
of great importance to her. The happening wasn't mentioned further by the
reporter but made me think about it. I had said to myself: If I ever have
the opportunity to express myself in public, remembering this scene, I
want to say something essential.
Well, when I express myself
in the Internet, I try to express something which might have a significance
which goes beyond daily level. I never had the opportunity to talk in TV.
When now I had the chance and my words seemed to be clumsy, I felt pretty
bad after. But the next day it looked different. Because I could see, that
it might as well be that the space between my words together with the image
were more important and could transmit something which couldn't be said
not even with sophisticated words.
Several years later:
I
don't know how many years have passed since I wrote all this, maybe six
or seven. Since then I haven't written anymore in this 'Internet Diary'.
When I read it now I ask myself: Has anything changed in all those years?
It seems like, if something has changed then it is only within myself,
the outside situation is pretty much the same: There are now nearly 3.000
visitors at my Web site, but still hardly any response. For one and a half
year I had created a 'Forum', but I closed it now, because the spam was
too much and the participation too little. Apart of this I couldn't deal
with one of the members who wanted to take over and filled the space with
his ridicules post and when I ask him to leave the forum, then he tried
to destroy the forum, so the moment he started, I closed the forum. I am
glad for this, because now I have more time to do other things, like writing
again in this diary. Later more...
A week later:
I'm very busy now writing and editing the FalconBlanco pages. Changing
the frame of an 'Intentional Community' into the one of a Non profit Organization.
'Community' is part
of our longing, but as a concept it doesn't work as long personal limitations
doesn't allow to live the realization.
Update 9 months later:
The
last few days I received two email giving me a feedback about this 'diary'.
I nearly had forgotten that it exist... I came here and read and see that
there must be an update and maybe I will continue writing here.
Today it is raining
so I will use the time, not being able to work outside, to write here.
First: FalconBlanco
it NOT an 'Intentional Community' anymore, at least I don't call it like
this. About 'What it is' I have written already.
And it is NOT a Non Profit Organization. About twenty years ago I had tried
to found one, but because of administration problems, when the laws about
it where not very clear, then it was not possible and the lawyer gave up.
Years later a lawyer was living with us at FalconBlanco and I ask her to
do the paperwork for the foundation. She started, but then she refused
to continue, without giving a reason. Now after many years I had a good
contact with a visiting lawyer and she offered to do the necessary work
to make a foundation. I was glad because I thought it was urgent. - Then
I waited nine months, being told from one month to the next that it is
in progress. Until now when she told me that she found another lawyer who
is specialized in foundations and he only ask for 1.000€ to do the
work. Now this gave me the necessary push to reflect about it and I came
to the result that making a 'foundation' would mean to join the established
system in their games. So I dropped this idea and will find an alternative
way...
Half
a year later: I just read parts
of my dairy and thought that I should write again something here. The last
few days I have written a lot, because I'm trying to find new people for
FalconBlanco. But I must realize, that from the about sixty people to whom
I have send a message and all are professionals in the field of human problems,
there was only one who really related and responded to my message. All
the other misinterpreted and misunderstood my writings. I thought that
I'm pretty clear in my self expression, even though my words are simple.
But no, what these 'experts' wrote to me had little or nothing to do with
me or the topic. How is this possible? If not because of the one person
who really understood what I was asking for, I probably would feel totally
lost and confused. One person responded that she had read my Web site and
that she could not continue because of the rambling all over the place.
Yes, I admit I'm rambling here in my dairy but I had thought that in the
other parts of my Web site I'm pretty essential. Maybe I'm not, I will
check it and then if necessary edit my ramblings.
Half
a year later: Now one visitor told
me that at my Web site there would be far too much. I went through the
pages to maybe delete things that are not important and essential. But
it was difficult to delete anything. This Web site is the result and expression
of nearly ten years of my life. Yes, I could try to put it all into a nut
shell, somehow I have done this when I wrote poems, but I think who is
not interested in my writings and can't get any benefit out of it must
not read it. So I will leave it like it is.
I was wondering why
there is hardly any feedback and I admit that somehow I felt disappointed
about it, feeling like calling into empty space, not receiving any echo...
So I installed a 'feedback
form' and after a few hours I received already some feedbacks...
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